The Blair Mitch Project's MST3K MITCHELL transcribe!

an ESSEX ENTERPRISES LTD production
Crow: Hey, look, a sex film!
[Huge unreadable block letters start to slide across the screen.]
JOE DON BAKER
Joel: 'Mittens'? An action film called 'Mittens'?
Crow: Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens. He's a cop.
Tom: Is it 'Mithril'?
MARTIN BALSAM
Tom: Oh, wait, it's 'Mitchell'!
Crow: The Martha Mitchell story?
Tom: Joe Don Baker *is* Martha Mitchell.
JOHN SAXON
[The crew start to bop in their seats as the funktastic Seventies theme music kicks in. A blurry picture of Joe Don Baker appears in the letters.]
Crow: It's Bigfoot!
MITCHELL
Tom [a la 'Shaft']: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
All: Mitchell!
Tom: That Mitchell is one fat-
Joel: Shut your mouth!
Tom: Hey, I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
also starring LINDA EVANS
Crow: Looks like Grendel.
Joel: Hey, Linda Evans? That was her pre-Yanni days.
Tom: Before her face was pulled taut.
MORGAN PAULL
HAROLD J STONE
[The picture of Mitchell in the letters starts to move *real* slow, becoming even more blurry.]
Joel: Looks kinda like a slow-motion sneeze.
and MERLIN OLSEN as Benton
Crow: Yeah, here's your Loser Actor bouquet!
[The music goes up-tempo and even more Seventies.]
music composed and conducted by LARRY BROWN & JERRY STYNE
Tom: Any movie with 'wakka-cha-wakka' is okay by me.
Joel & Crow [in background]: Wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka...
Tom [sings]: It was the third of September/the day I'll always remember...
[The wakka-cha-wakkas continue throughout the whole credit sequence.]
edited by FRED A CHULAK
director of photography HARRY STRADLING asc
[In the stills, Mitchell raises his arms above his head.]
Crow: Never corner a Mitchell, see how he reacts?
Joel: Looks like he's doing a Nixon.
executive producer BENJAMIN MELINER
Tom: He looks like a middle-aged Chucky.
Crow: He looks like the wrathful Buddha.
Tom: He looks like the Moon in 'A Trip To The Moon'.
written by IAN KENNEDY MARTIN
Tom [Mitchell]: Man, I can't get mah arms down.
produced by R BEN EFRAM
Crow: Now he looks like a small-mouthed bass.
Tom: Now he looks like he's in a wind tunnel!
directed by ANDREW V MCLAGLEN
Joel: Um... maybe he's doing Tai Chi or something.
Crow [funky voice]: Mitchell's on a corner.
[The credits end abruptly with Mitchell throwing a rock in slo-mo.]
All: Mitchell!
EXT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[A very slow pan across a deserted house and garden.]
Tom: Eegah...
Crow: Shtemlow.
Joel [muffled]: Watch out for snakes!
Tom: We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture.
Crow [British]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please.
Joel [sings]: The lunatic is on the grass...
[A burglar runs to the fence and climbs it.]
Tom: Johnny Nash breaks into a suburban home. Mitchell!
Joel: Hey, it's one of the kids from Fame!
Tom: Which one?
Joel: Any of 'em.
[The burglar's face comes into view for the first time.]
Crow: Johnny Mathis!
Tom [sings]: It's not for me to say...
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
[A big black limosine is prowling through the streets of LA.]
Joel: The Green Hornet.
INT. LIMO - NIGHT
[Walter Deaney, some other guy with a moustache and two hookers are in the back of the car.]
Hooker 1: This little thing, she can't be more than sixteen. Every time she gives me a manicure, she tells me she's having a different affair. And she tells me everything. I mean, all the real hot and juicy details. I can't even keep my fingers still!
Crow: Must be a faculty meeting.
Deaney: Shut up. I'm thinking.
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Mathis smashes a window pane in the back door and unlocks it, then enters, shutting the door behind him.]
Crow: Looks like he's breaking *out* of his house.
Joel: Al Nougha?
Tom: No, still Johnny Mathis.
Crow: Oh, yeah, close it and lock it. You don't want anyone coming in.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
[The limo wallows round a corner.]
Crow: *Doctor* Detroit!
Joel: With songs by Devo! Cutting Crew! And Haircut One Hundred!
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Mathis is going through Deaney's stuff.]
Tom [sings]: I say to myself it's wonderful...
Joel: A picture of Mo Connelly?
Tom: No, not the limited edition 'Star Trek' collector plates!
[Mathis finds a gun cabinet.]
Joel: Hey, Lucas McCain lives here!
EXT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[The limo enters the drive. Automatic gates close behind it.[
Crow [goofy announcer voice]: They're on a collision course to wackiness! Hoo hoo!
[The occupants of the limo are having drinks.]
Tom: All right, last call, finish 'em up. Hic!
Crow [drunk]: Less' not talk.
[They get out of the car and head for the house.]
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Mathis finds a TV in a cabinet.]
Joel [Mathis, excited]: Hey! [disappointed] Oh, a Goldstar.
[Deaney ushers his pal and the two hookers inside, taking off the womens' coats.]
Tom [Deaney]: Move it along, please.
Crow: Should I tell her?
Deaney: Ladies, you know where everything is? I want you to exercise the bottomless resources of your imagination.
Joel [hooker]: Uh, can I have a lamp?
Deaney: Surprise me. The way you always do. Come on, Bill, let's get some juice.
Crow [Deaney]: Fresh panties all around.
[Deaney and his pal leave the room.]
Tom [Deaney, goofy]: Huh, might be able to kiss her tonight, you know.
Hooker 2: Who the hell does he think I am, an acrobat?
[Back to Deaney and 'tache-man.]
Crow [Deaney]: And she's an acrobat, Ted!
[Deaney spots Mathis' torchlight in his living room.]
Tom: Santa?
Joel: Wait a minute, I think maybe the Snoop Sisters are in there!
Crow [Deaney]: I'm going to get a series before Stuart Margolin.
[Deaney spots the burglar.]
Tom [Deaney]: All right, Johnny Mathis! Get my gun!
Joel: Well you know, it's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild.
[Deaney gets a gun from a convenient drawer.]
Tom: Some clean underwear... ah!
Crow: Hey, a gunderoo.
[Deaney follows his pal to a nearby control box.]
Joel [guy]: Psst! Hey, don't shoot me, the *burglar*!
Crow [hooker]: So, are we going to play bridge?
Deaney: We've got ourselves a fish to hunt! Shhh!
[He pushes a button on the control box.]
Joel: Ah, hello, this is Carlton your doorman.
[A wooden screen closes across the corridor.]
Crow: Cedar lattice, works every time.
[Mathis looks up in surprise at the sound.]
Tom [sings]: Chances are- huh?
Joel [Mathis]: If that's John Saxon, I'm dead.
[Mathis comes to investigate. Deaney hides round a corner with his gun ready.]
Tom [hooker]: Sonny, are we like bait?
[Mathis starts peeking through the lattice door.]
Crow: We're closed!
Tom [Mathis, scared]: Oooh, maybe I should get back to work...
[Mathis runs. Deaney jumps out and takes aim.]
Deaney: Hey!
Joel [Mathis]: What?
[Deaney shoots him through the heart.]
Joel [Mathis]: Oh.
EXT. STREETS - NIGHT
[An LAPD patrol car is driving along.]
Tom: Meanwhile, on an Adam-12 episode not far away...
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT
[A radio is directing the uniformed cops driving to go to the scene of a possible DV, whatever that is. Mitchell is slumped on the back seat, looking hung over and half-asleep.]
Joel: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, right there!
[The siren starts up, waking Mitchell.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Aw, just five more minutes.
EXT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[The police car pulls into Deaney's drive. There's a car belonging to a private security firm already outside.]
Tom: Mitchell honey, we're home, put your shoes on.
Cop: Well, private enterprise beat us to it, eh?
Joel [rentacop]: Hello, public sector!
Cop: Where's the body?
Rentacop: In the den.
Tom [rentacop]: We posed him.
Rentacop: Do you want us to hang around here?
Cop: No, that's okay.
Rentacop: We'll take off then. It's all yours.
Crow [cop]: Ah, rentacops, private enterprise, why don't you go back to the mall?
Cop: You coming, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Urp, yep.
Tom [Mitchell]: You got any moist towelettes? Rags, toilet paper, something?
Crow: Come on, Mr two-years-from-'Eischeid', come on.
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Deaney: I'm Walter Deaney, officer. Come this way. I found one of those wetbacks-
All: Hey!
Deaney: -he pulled a gun from my gun rack, fortunately I got to another gun sooner.
Joel [cop]: Ooh, smart.
Deaney: He grabbed that Colt. I had no choice, I had to shoot him.
Crow [cop]: Well, you're rich and white, I don't see a problem with it.
[Mitchell watches from the door while everyone stands around Mathis' body, which has a gun by it.]
Cop: A pretty clean job.
Joel [Deaney]: C'mon, it's fun!
Tom [Mitchell]: You got a sofa ah could stretch out on for a little while?
[Mitchell ambles over.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Oh, *there's* the body.
Joel [Mitchell]: Hey, here, watch what happens when ah step on his abdomen.
[Crow makes a 'squish' noise.]
[Mitchell takes a small plastic bag from his pocket.]
Tom: I think he's going to need a bigger bodybag than *that*.
[Mitchell puts Mathis' gun in the bag.]
Mitchell: Are those guns loaded?
Deaney: Some of them. I'm not always sure which.
Crow [Deaney]: They're randomly loaded, it's a little game I play.
Tom [Mitchell]: All your guests loaded?
[Mitchell sees the other man and the hookers leaving.]
Mitchell: Your guests are leaving.
Deaney: Party's over.
Tom [sings]: It's time to call it a day...
Mitchell: Anybody tell them they could leave?
Deaney: I did.
Mitchell: There's a police investigation going on here.
Joel [Deaney]: Oh, there is? I thought there was just a big slob walking around my house.
[Mitchell walks to the control box, carrying the gun in a bag.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Where's the john? Ah'm gonna flush this.
Deaney: My guest has to be at his desk at eight in the morning, he's an important person. My secretary will give you their names and addresses.
Tom: And disavow any knowledge of their actions.
[Mitchell pushes the button to close the front gates.]
Joel: Man, he's good.
[Mitchell jogs past the arriving coroner.]
Tom: Mitchell! Pardon me. Mitchell!
[Crow makes wheezing sounds.]
[Mitchell reaches the limo, which is stuck at the gates.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Hey, can ah have a scotch?
Hooker 1: What's your name?
Mitchell: Mitchell!
Tom [goofy]: Hiii!
Mitchell: What's yours?
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Deaney's on the phone.]
Deaney: Well find him, wherever he is! Raise Alex, will you?
Joel: Oh, he's talking to Commissioner Gordon.
Deaney: And get hold of Mistretta. Tell him to talk to Galano.
[The coroner puts a tape outline around Mathis' body as cops watch.]
Tom [coroner]: Okay, sleeve right 34, 36 outseam and a 32 inch inseam.
Crow: Orson Bean. He's a cop!
[Deaney enters. Mitchell is checking the guns in the cabinet.]
Tom [Deaney]: I told Mistretta to talk to Galano. I think.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Pallin: Mitchell!
Joel [Mitchell, scared]: Wha!
Pallin: People don't like you. In fact, I don't care for you myself. Why is that?
Crow [Mitchell]: Perhaps our brief but bitter affair?
Pallin: You refused to sign this report. Why?
Joel [Mitchell]: Uh, ah'm still on the first question.
Pallin: What kind of policeman are you, anyway?
Joel [Mitchell]: Uuhhhh...
Pallin: What're you going to do, file a separate report?
Joel [Mitchell]: Duhhhh...
Mitchell: Ah don't know.
Pallin: What do you know?
Tom [Mitchell]: Uh, ah don't know.
Mitchell: None of Deaney's other guns were loaded. Now, the collection's way up high on the wall. The burglar, he only looks to be about five four, is all.
Pallin: So? What does that prove?
Mitchell: That Deaney's lying. He's not going to get away with it.
Crow [Pallin]: Don't make me come over there!
[Pallin stands up and waves a finger in Mitchell's face.]
Pallin: You're going to make me mad, Mitchell, and when that happens I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Now get out!
Mitchell: All right.
[Mitchell leaves.]
Joel: Mitchell's a *sensible* cop!
Pallin: See Lovitz. He's got an assignment for you. And remember, don't you dare go near Deaney. You can forget about him.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
[A short man in sunglasses is being brought to the front desk by a cop.]
Tom: They arrested Harlan Ellison!
Joel: Good.
[Mitchell enters Lovitz's office.]
Lovitz: Come in, Mitchell, take a seat.
Crow [Lovitz]: Mom said no, huh? So you come to me, the nice cop.
[Mitchell sits down with a loud gasp.]
Joel: Why, he sounds and smells like William Conrad!
Lovitz: Chief Powell has ordered the surveillance of a man called James Arthur Cummins.
Mitchell: James Arthur Cummins.
Lovitz: Yeah, you heard of him?
Mitchell: No.
Lovitz: It's a 24-hour surveillance, and I want you to stay with him until A, you bug him enough that he cracks, or B, he comes up with some kind of statement or incriminates himself for committing a crime in Mexico.
Crow: Or C, you get drunk and pass out again!
Mitchell: Okay, who do ah get?
Lovitz: You get nobody.
Mitchell: Hmm?
Lovitz: No-body.
Mitchell: What do ah do for sleeping? How about eating?
Lovitz: Nothing's going to happen in the middle of the night.
Crow [Mitchell]: Aw, ah wanna eat!
Lovitz: You got six hours shuteye from midnight to six AM.
Crow [Mitchell]: But eating!
Lovitz: Now Mitchell, those are Powell's orders. You want to call him? See Tyzack, he'll take you to Cummin's place.
EXT. CUMMINS' PLACE - DAY
Tyzack: Import export of stolen merchandise, that is Cummins' big scene. He just hijacked a kilo of heroin out of Mexico. A full kilo, that's two million bucks. It may be Pallin's idea of a joke, but leaning on Cummins is no joke my friend, no-one leans on Cummins 'cause he stamps on people, and he's got a big shoe.
Mitchell: Let me ask you something.
Tom [Mitchell]: Who are you?
Mitchell: If Pallin gave *you* this job leaning on Cummins, would you say he's given you a good assignment?
[Tyzack has a thumb to his mouth. Joel brushes it away.]
Joel: Oh, don't suck, honey.
Tyzack: I'd say he was quietly shipping you out of the way.
Mitchell: Well ah'll get 'em both, Deaney *and* Cummins.
Tyzack: No way. You don't get neither.
Mitchell: That's what Pallin thinks, right?
Tyzack: Right.
Mitchell: Wrong.
[Mitchell wheezes loudly and starts to get out of Tyzack's car. He heads for his own, which is parked about two feet away.]
Crow [Mitchell]: 'Scuse me, ah don't feel good at all, ugh.
Joel [Mitchell]: Hey man, thanks for driving me to my car, nice to have it pre-parked at the stakeout, see ya.
Tom [sings]: Woh, don't be discouraged, the man don't...
[Mitchell adjusts himself.]
Crow: Woah, don't do that! Ew.
[A big car pulls up at Cummins' house. Mitchell gets out of his car.]
Joel: Mitchell!
[Benton, wearing a silly hat, gets out of the driver's seat.]
Joel: Andy Capp?
Tom [working class]: Boy, Flo's gonna be really mad, I'm drunk again, heh.
[Mitchell jogs up the drive.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Ugh... huh... gasp...
Mitchell: Mr Cummins!
Crow [Mitchell]: Stop or mah heart'll explode!
Mitchell: Mr Cummins! Mitchell, police department?
Cummins: Permit's not due 'til January, son.
Mitchell: Uh, Mr Cummins...
Cummins: Make an appointment, son, or have your chief give me a ring.
Mitchell: Mr Cummins!
[Benton waves a threatening finger.]
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Tom [Mitchell]: But ah'm not a salesman, I'm the chubby blue line!
Crow: As an actor, Merlin Olsen hadn't found his instrument yet.
[Mitchell goes back to his car.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Hughh... wheeze... gaaghhh... huhhh...
[Mitchell tries to light a cigar, but the lighter puts out a big flame, making Mitchell recoil 'hilariously'.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Woah, the thing with the dealo...
[Later, Mitchell takes out his car's ashtray to empty it. Benton watches from the house.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Woah, ah think there's a potato cake in here or somethin'.
Tom [Benton]: He seems down. I'll send him a pick-me-up bouquet.
[Mitchell tips the cigar stubs onto the street.]
Crow: Somewhere, an indian is crying.
[Benton looks concerned.]
Joel [Benton]: I'm going to call Ladybird Johnson.
EXT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY
[A dashboard clock shows it's 4:10PM. Cummins comes over to Mitchell's car. Our hero is snoozing at the wheel and wakes with a start.]
[Crow makes snoring noises.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Fluff and udder! Oh.
Cummins: All right, what do you want?
Mitchell: Well, ah got some questions.
Cummins: No questions.
Mitchell: What do you know about a man named Mistretta, and some heroin hijacked down in Mexico?
Cummins: Heroin?
Mitchell: Down in Mexico, about a kilo on a truck, ambushed, hijacked, you know.
Cummins: Look, Mitchell-
Crow [Cummins]: I'm King Hussein.
Cummins: Look, Mitchell, this is Los Angeles, California, and I don't know anything about heroin. Somebody got his wires crossed.
Joel [Mitchell]: We're not in New York?
Mitchell: Well, ah been told to watch you, Mr Cummins, so ah guess that's what ah'm gonna do.
Cummins: Can I give you some advice, son?
Mitchell: Why, yes, sir.
Cummins: Watch out for falling rocks.
Tom [Mitchell]: Uh, okay. Say, you got any burgers or someth'n in there?
[Cummins walks away.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Man, ah'm constantly confused.
Tom [Mitchell]: Watch out for fallin' rocks, huh? Uh...
INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - NIGHT
[Closeup of the clock showing midnight.]
Radio announcer: And that was the midnight edition of the news, on KCRO.
Crow: Hey, Crow Radio!
[Shot of Cummins' house.]
Joel: G'night, John Boy.
[Mitchell looks bemused, and starts his car.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Falling rocks? Ah just don't get it.
[Mitchell drives away.]
Joel: Lights... your lights!
[Whip pan to Cummins watching him leave.]
Tom [Cummins]: I miss him.
Joel [Cummins]: Wow, almost time for 'Silk Stalkings'.
[Cummins makes a phone call.]
Crow [Cummins]: Hi, Larry, I love your show.
Cummins: Cummins. Get me Mistretta.
[Tom makes muffled phone voice noises.]
Cummins: Mistretta, what's this about a load of merchandise I'm supposed to be shipping in?
[Tom's noises suggest puzzlement.]
Cummins: I got a cop sitting on me, they tell this and I don't know it!
[Tom's phone voice gets irate.]
Cummins: You what?
Crow [Cummins]: You're wearing what? Is it sheer?
Cummins: Get over here and don't argue with me!
EXT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - NIGHT
[A car arrives.]
Joel: Not *that* quickly!
[Cummins gets into the car with Mistretta, who picks his nose.]
Joel: Ooh, nose candy.
Tom: Uh-huh.
Cummins: Drive round the block.
Joel [Mistretta, annoyed]: *Hi*, dad.
[They drive off.]
Crow [Mistretta]: Loved you in 'The Taking Of Pelham 123'.
Joel [Mistretta]: Hey, you want the radio? King Biscuit Flower Hour's on.
Mistretta: What's bugging you?
Cummins: This new job. For the future, next time you start something you tell me before you start it, not afterwards. Put the shipment someplace else, I've got this cop on my tail.
Tom [Mistretta]: It's just that Mitchell guy.
Mistretta: It's on the water, Cummins.
Cummins: What's on the water?
Crow: Smoke!
Mistretta: The merchandise.
Cummins: It's not coming through my facilities.
Mistretta: It can't go nowhere else.
Cummins: Why not?
Mistretta: Why not? Because that's the way Mr Galano wants it.
Joel [sings]: Ah-hah, ah-hah.
Mistretta: He says maybe it's in San Pedro now, or tomorrow. It's too late now.
[Cummins glances out of the car window.]
Tom [Cummins]: Hey, look, an Applebee's!
Cummins: Well, if it comes through San Pedro, I'm not gonna touch it. You hear that? I will not touch it.
Crow [Mistretta]: Ha ha- oh.
Mistretta: Cummins, you are not in a position to say such things.
Joel: You can't handle the truth!
Mistretta: Before you open your big mouth again, you'd better think of Mr Galano.
[The car returns to Cummins' house.]
Tom [Cummins]: Oh no, this may be the wrong ride. Are you Steve?
[They get up and leave.]
(continue to part 2)

Part 2

Part 2 of The Blair Mitch Project's MST3K MITCHELL transcribe

______________________________________


[Mitchell's car is outside Deaney's place.]

Joel: Oh, that was fun!

Radio despatcher: Come in, Mitchell.

Mitchell: Log this report, timed, uh...

Tom [depatcher]: Er, Mitchell, hello?

Mitchell: 24:17 hours. Ah'm at the Deaney residence, ah'm putting my gun in the glove compartment and locking it.

Joel [Mitchell]: Oh, and ah just had a French dip.

Radio despatcher: Car 55, what's that supposed to mean? 55?

Mitchell: If ah'm shot in the next couple of hours, ah was unarmed when it happened. Log it. 55 out.

Crow [Mitchell]: Speakin' of logging it, ah'd better find a bush around here.

[Music starts up. Mitchell gets out of his car and wanders across the road.]

Tom [to beat]: Mitchell! Mitchell! Mitchell! Mitchell? [gets bored as nothing happens] Mitchell... Mitchell.

[Mitchell stands by Deaney's gate, looking not the least bit suspicious at all, honest. A car goes past.]

Joel: Hey, hi, Mitchell!
Crow [Mitchell]: Go about your business.
Tom: Honk honk! Hey, Mitchell!
Joel [Mitchell]: Shhhh!

[Mitchell climbs clumsily over the gate.]

[Everyone makes howling dog noises and car alarm sounds.]

[Mitchell clomps through Deaney's front yard.]

Joel [falsetto]: Honey, Mitchell's here.
Crow [Mitchell]: Oh, woah! Is that a beer?

[Mitchell reaches the front door.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Pain in mah chest, mah hand's tinglin'! Oooh.
Joel [Mitchell]: Oh shoot, a door! Ah didn't plan on this!

[Mitchell rings the doorbell, then runs and hides.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Oh man, ah love this! Ah got soap, ah got dog poopie...
Tom: This week's practical joke - the victim, John Saxon!

[Nobody answers. Mitchell runs through the garage to the back lawn.]

[Tom makes more hideous gasping noises.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Man, if ah could just sit on a lawn chair for five minutes, that's all ah need...
Crow: Wow, what a clean garage! No bikes, sleds, or oil spots...

[Mitchell peers through Deaney's back windows.]

Tom: Do you know who did it? Have you figured it out yet?

[The music does some strange flute scales. Tom whistles along.]

Joel [falsetto]: Er, Mitchell, do you want to come in?
[Crow makes whining dog noises.]

[Mitchell reaches the back door. The broken pane has been covered with tin foil. Mitchell punches through it.]

Tom [Arnie voice]: Liquid metal.
Joel: Reynolds Wrap! Keeps freshness in, can't keep Mitchell out!
Tom [singing to music]: Oooh, you're a holi-daaay...

[Big closeup of Mitchell's beefy face.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Huh. Well. That's mah plan.

[Mitchell goes to the room where Mathis was shot. There are several ornamental plates stacked on a shelf.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Ah smell crab dip!
Crow: Melmac? Why would he be collecting Melmac?
Tom [Mitchell]: An empty plate. Breaks mah heart.

[Mitchell looks at the white outline on the floor.]

Crow: Keith Haring was here!

[Mitchell lies down on the outline.]

Crow: Huh?
Joel [Mitchell]: Uhh, ahhhh, try for a quick forty winks here.

[Mitchell finds that Mathis's outstretched arm is several inches lower than his own.]

Tom: And the victim was Jack Valente!

[Deaney appears at the window looking in, sneering.]

Joel [Deaney]: *What* are you doing, Mitchell?
Crow [of music]: Why are they playing 'Nadia's Theme'?
Tom: They're young and restless.

[Mitchell 'brilliantly' works out that Mathis couldn't have reached Deaney's gun collection because he was too short.]

Tom: That's a 'reach', huh?

[A car goes past. Mitchell spots Deaney lurking in the doorway with a gun.]

Crow [Deaney]: Just browsing.

[Mitchell jumps and runs off.]

Mitchell: Hfffsh!

Crow [Mitchell]: Booger!

[Seventies action music starts up.]

Joel and Crow [to music]: Mitchell! Mitchell! Mitchell!
Tom [sings]: Ryyyyyyye on the sammich!
Joel and Crow: Mitchell!
Tom [sings]: Heart's pounding!
Joel and Crow: Mitchell!
Tom [sings]: Veins clogging!
All: MITCHELL!
Crow: Wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka-cha!

[Mitchell runs to the gate and climbs over it.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Oh man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!

[Mitchell gets into his car and drives off, leaving Deaney glaring at him through the gate.]

Crow [Deaney]: The cloistered life is not for me.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

[Mitchell is with Tyzack. Pallin enters and grabs a piece of paper from Tyzack.]

Crow [Pallin]: Would you give me that!

Pallin: Tyzack!

Tom [Pallin]: We can't name a series after you, sorry.

[Tyzack leaves.]

Joel [of Pallin]: Hey, he looks like a guy from a Dave Berg cartoon.

Pallin: What in the hell are you up to?

Mitchell: Deaney.

Pallin: What did I tell you? I told you to forget Deaney! Do you know who he is?

Mitchell: Yeah, he's a trade union lawyer.

Pallin: And I gave you a direct order to stay forget him. Now why'd I give you that order?

Crow [Pallin]: And none of that "I don't know"!

Pallin: I'm gonna tell you why. Every federal law violation in the book-

Tom [ad voice]: *Every* federal law violation!

Pallin: -and they're throwing it at Deaney and his trade union. They've been working on this thing for two years! Now in the meantime, you get back out there on Cummins and stay with him. Deaney is FBI property.

Mitchell: Right, Pallin.

[Mitchell leaves.]

Joel [Pallin]: Find my upper lip while you're out there!

INT. MITCHELL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Nice place. Sofa bed, shelves on breezeblocks, cans of Schlitz and scattered porn.]

Crow: Hee hee! A little peek into Mitchell's life.

[Mitchell is looking through case photos. The doorbell rings.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Damn, it's almost time for Bozo.

[Mitchell gathers up the photos, revealing a half-eaten pie.]

Joel: Yeah, go for the gusto, Mitchell!

[Mitchell answers the door.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Is that you, maw?

[It's Greta.]

Crow: Bo Derek!

Greta: Hello.

Mitchell: Hi there.

Greta: I'm Greta.

Joel: Well, Linda Evans actually.
Tom [Greta]: I'm selling Yanni tapes.

[Mitchell puts his gun in his waistband.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Uh, just got to adjust mah roscoe here.

Mitchell: Come on in.

Crow [Mitchell]: Where's John Derek? Shall we set another place for him?
Tom [Greta]: So, do you work at a petting zoo?

[The camera pans up from her black boots to her long black coat.]

Joel: Uncle Fester?

Mitchell: Somethin' to drink?

Greta: What do you have?

Mitchell: Beer and, uh, vodka.

Greta: Beer.

Crow [Mitchell]: You like 'em half empty? Some of 'em got cigarettes in 'em.
Tom [of music]: This is so embarrassing, he's playing a Kitaro album!
Joel [Mitchell]: Sorry about the porn, there's a Kilgore Trout piece in there.

[Greta sits down and picks up Mitchell's porn mag.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Ah wouldn't sit there, other side please...
Crow [Mitchell]: Uh, there's some chips under the cushion, help yourself.

[Greta holds up the porn mag as Mitchell brings the beer.]

Greta: Don't you think I'm as good as anything in here?

Tom [Mitchell]: Well, you got an airbrush on you?

[Mitchell offers her a can of beer.]

Greta: You've got me wrong, I'd like a glass.

Joel [Mitchell]: Huh, okay, your majesty.
Tom [Mitchell]: Got these at Conoco. They got Dick Butkus on them.

[Mitchell pours her a beer. It froths and splatters foam on her leg.]

Mitchell: Oh, Want a towel?

Crow [Greta]: No, I'll use the curtains.

Greta: Want to lick it off?

Joel: Absolutely *not*!
Tom: Well, she was going to smell like beer sooner or later.

Mitchell: Sorry, beer got a little excited.

Crow [Greta]: That's okay, we can just cuddle.

[Something moves inside Mitchell's pants.]

Joel [horrified]: What!?

[It's his gun, which drops out of the bottom of his flares.]

Tom: Phew!
Crow: Jeez!

[Mitchell picks it up and looks embarrassed.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Sorry, ah'm a really unappealing man.
Crow [Mitchell]: So. More beer?

EXT. PARK - DAY

[Two big-ass 1970s cars are parked by the grass. Galano's driver opens the door for Cummins.]

Joel [sings]: It's Bugsy Malone...
Crow: That's great!

[An out-of-sync car door sound is heard.]

Crow: What was that?

[The same noise occurs when the driver closes the door.]

Crow: Oh.

[Benton wanders into shot and leans on the car.]

Crow: Oh, they're taking the boys to playgroup.

[Benton looks at the other driver, who's wearing the same hat as him.]

Crow [Benton, sarcastic]: Nice cap.

[Cummins goes to sit by Galano on a bench.]

Tom [sings]: Mobsters laughing, really smiling/a man selling heroin...
Joel [spy style]: Uh, the spotted cuckoo bird is flying backwards?
Crow [spy style]: It's a cold day for pontooning.

[Mitchell watches from his car.]

Cummins: Hello, Mr Galano.

[Galano speaks with a heavy Italian accent, looped very badly.]

Galano: Last night, I had to come to my home, Salvadore was there, my cousin.

Crow [Galano]: Because I'm-a Italian, you know.

Galano: He has a complaint against you.

Crow [Galano]: Did I-a tell you I'm Italian? Let-a me restate that!

Cummins: He's a punk. Who convinced you to finance that hijack? If you want drugs you can grow them, you can buy them.

Joel: Hey, where's Ruth Buzzi?

Cummins: But stealing them's greedy.

Galano: May I remind you of something?

Tom [Galano]: I'm-a from Italy!

Cummins: Sure.

Galano: In August 1963, you, me, some others, we had a very fine meeting.

[Huge close-up of Galano's face.]

Crow: He was hastily put together, wasn't he?

Galano: In which we allowed you influence in this area, in exchange for certain assignments to be handled by you.

Cummins: So?

Galano: That was very generous, yes?

Tom: Oui.

Galano: Now it's your turn.

Joel [Galano, sings]: To be what-a you can be...

Galano: You will take delivery of Salvadore's shipment through your contact at the port, okay?

Cummins: I am not bringing that shipment in, and that's final.

Tom: Doodleydoodleydoop! The shipment's in!

[Cummins gets up and leaves.]

Joel [Cummins]: Yup, well, time for my step aerobics class.
Crow [Benton]: Gee, boss, you really did great, your personal skills are sometin'.

[Another close-up of Galano, absolutely expressionless.]

Tom [Galano, unhappy]: Hold it in, hold it...
Joel [Galano]: I'm almost Anthony Quinn.

[Benton closes the car door for Cummins, then gets in himself. Mitchell gets ready to follow.]

Crow: Was Merlin ever in the Dave Clark Five?

[Cummins' car sets off, Mitchell pulling out behind him.]

Tom [announcer]: It was a big time, when big men drove nothing but huge Ford cars!

[Benton sees Mitchell following, pulls over and sounds his horn. Mitchell pulls in behind.]

Joel: Honey, I'm home! Had that meeting with the gangster!
Crow: Mitchell is one of the great followers.

[Cummins gets out and goes to Mitchell's window.]

Cummins: Mitchell, I made a decision about you. I got a lot of things on my mind at the moment and you're too heavy to carry.

Mitchell: Ah'm sorry you feel that way, Mr Cummins.

Tom: He's heavy.

Cummins: I do. Now are you going to get lost or not?

Mitchell: Well ah'd like to, but there's some questions ah got to-

Cummins: You're saying no.

Mitchell: Ah'm saying no.

Cummins: Just thought I'd give you the chance.

Tom [Mitchell]: That was sweet, he didn't have to do that. Thanks!

[Cummins gets back into his car, which sets off. Mitchell follows.]

Joel [Benton]: Say boss, you think Mitchell likes me?
Crow [Cummins]: Shut up and drive.

Cummins: Is your friend ready?

Benton: Yes sir, he's ready.

Joel: Who, Rosie Greer?

[And so begins cinema's slowest car chase.]

Tom: This is what I'll remember when I think of the movie 'Mitchell'. And I *will* think of it.

[The two cars go round a corner very slowly, Mitchell's car about ten feet behind.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Oh, wait, ah lost him! No, there he is.
Joel: Mitchell. Even his name says 'Is that a beer?'

[Benton indicates to go around a corner.]

Crow [amused]: Well you know, they're easy to follow when they use their turn signal!
Joel: Man, why don't they just tie their bumpers together?
Tom: You know, it's not an official chase scene without the 'wakka-cha-wakka'.

[The cars go up an on-ramp onto a freeway.]

Crow: Hot merging action!
[Tom starts whispering 'wakka-cha-wakka' under his breath.]
Joel: Oh, goodness, they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.
Tom: Jeez, these guys couldn't shake a trolley!
Crow: This makes 'Driving Miss Daisy' look like 'Bullitt'!
Joel: Next week on 'Mitchell' - the cloverleaf!

[The vaguely suspenseful music suddenly turns into what can only be described as 'corporate cheesy'.]

Tom [announcer]: And today, 3M is a vibrant company, combining innovation, effective risk management and marketing. 3M!
Joel: Oh boy, they're travelling at speeds of up to 25 miles per hour!
Crow: I've seen faster funeral processions!
Tom: The only exciting thing is that 'Vanishing Point' is being filmed over the other side of the canyon.

[A red Mustang joins the 'chase'.]

Joel [Minnesotan]: Oh this is nice, they're using the light 'Rockford' for the chase scene instead of the grunge sound.
Tom [Minnesotan]: I like the light 'Rockford', yah.
Crow: Oh finally, the chase scene's pace car!

[The three cars trundle up a dirt road.]

Tom: Yes, the Lincoln Continental, perfect for off-road excitement!
Crow [Benton]: I can't shake him, boss! Here, I'll lightly touch the brake and then accelerate.

[Mitchell spots the Mustang in his mirror.]

Joel: Hey, get out of our chase scene!
Tom: The vicious Mustang culls the weak ones from the herd.

[The Mustang overtakes Mitchell.]

Crow [Mustang driver]: Hey, are you Mitchell? Can I not have your autograph?

[Mitchell and the Mustang jockey for position.]

Joel: Well, so pass if you're gonna! Come on!
Tom: 'Scuse me, may I cut in? May I have this chase?

[Cummins looks on through his rear window.]

Joel: Er, do you have *any* facial expressions?
Crow [Cummins]: Ha ha, this is fun! Ha!

[Shot of the Mustang driver.]

Joel: Larry Miller!
Tom: Why does he keep downshifting if it's an automatic?

[The Mustang bangs into the side of Mitchell's car, breaking a headlight.]

Tom: It's like a hot-rod 'Ben-Hur'.
Joel [Mustang driver]: Yeah, as a matter of fact I *do* own the road!
Crow: Hey, the headlight fixed itself!

[Ahead, a bulldozer chugs across the road. If you watch closely, you can see that the film is reversed and the 'dozer is sucking exhaust fumes back into itself. The *hell*?]

Tom [bulldozer driver, goofy]: Wohay, it's Mitchell!

[Mitchell's car and the Mustang pass on opposite sides of the bulldozer, averting any potential thrills.]

Crow: Your thing is dragging!

[The cars bang into each other again.]

Joel: Mitchell! Miller!

[Mitchell's car goes off the road and down an embankment.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Ah know a little shortcut down - oh.

[The car crashes into a ditch on its side.]

Joel: Mitchell!

[Mitchell pulls himself out through the window.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Uh, shouldn't we exchange information?
Tom [Mitchell]: Woah, that shook up the beers pretty bad.

[Twangy guitar music starts up.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Hey, cut out that 'Rockford' music! Ah'm Mitchell!

[Mitchell slumps over his car roof.]

Tom [deflated]: Mitchell!

EXT. MORAN'S HOUSE - DAY

[Moran is by the pool, which has a bar beside it. Various flunkeys and bimbos are wandering around.]

Joel: Hey, it's a booze pool!
Tom [falsetto]: I'll have a vodka chlorine, please.

INT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

[Cummins puts the call on speakerphone. The scene intercuts between the two of them as they speak.]

Cummins: Rudy.

Crow: Tooty.

Cummins: I got pressure.

Moran: Who's pushing?

Cummins: Mistretta.

Moran: Mistretta? You can handle him.

Cummins: Well, there are problems.

Moran: Unless of course he's backed by Galano.

Cummins: You got it.

Moran: Then what the hell are you calling me for?

Joel: I'm getting dizzy.
Crow: Me too.

Cummins: Well, I'll tell you it's about a little discussion between me and Mistretta.

Crow: Or Galano.

Moran: I'll give you a short answer, Cummins.

Tom: Mistretta.

Moran: You'll get the same answer off any of the boys. If Galano's involved-

Crow: Or Mistretta.

Moran: -they don't want any part of it.

Crow: Or Galano.

[Moran slams the phone down.]

Tom [Moran]: That was Mistretta.

Cummins: Well, this is all going to blow up pretty soon. And when it does, who we got on our side?

All: Ghostbusters!

[They get up and leave.]

Cummins: That guy Mitchell, if he's still around.

Benton: He's not on our side, sir.

Cummins: Yes he is. I'm no good to him dead.

(Continue to Part 3)

Part 3

Part 3 of The Blair Mitch Project's MST3K MITCHELL transcribe

__________________________________________


EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

[Mitchell is leaning against a car, watching Cummins and Benton play golf. Another man is waiting by the car.]

Crow What's eating Gypsy?
Joe; [Mitchell]: Hey, wanna do somethin' later, maybe?

Mitchell: Got the right time?

Tom [man]: Yeah, ten to, as in "tend to your own damn business!"

Man: Ten to twelve.

Crow: Noon or midnight?

Mitchell: That guy Cummins sure gets around. That's sure some schedule he's got!

Tom [of man]: It's Earl Holloman.

Man: Don't bother me, mister.

Mitchell: Anti-social type, huh? Private type? Maybe you should let other people have that privacy.

[The man glares at Mitchell in disgust, then walks away.]

Crow [man]: My face hurts.
Joel: What was *that* all about?

[The man suddenly starts running. Mitchell pulls out a gun and shoots him.]

Crow: Darryl Gates on his day off.
Tom [Cummins]: Hey, I'm putting here!
Crow [sports announcer]: He's landed just short of the green...
Joel: Oh no! Mr Trevino's been hit again!

[The man writhes and moans on the green in agony as Mitchell jogs over and takes his gun.]

Crow: Isn't that cute? He's trying to tell us something!
Tom [golfer]: Can we play through?

Mitchell: Ha ha. Can you handle this? Ah gotta go call headquarters.

[He hands the man's gun to Cummins. Benton looks bemused.]

Joel: That Merlin is lost without a map.
Crow [Cummins]: Don't laugh, you're only encouraging him.
Tom [goofy]: Ha ha ha... oh, Mitchell...

[An unmotivated zoom on a big car in the background.]

Tom: The new Chrysler Fury, the car that thinks it's a house.

EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

[Mitchell leaves the building. A superior, Aldridge, corners him.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Ah can't believe it, ah'm in trouble for killin' a civilian!

Aldridge: Mitchell! I thought your job was Cummins!

Mitchell: Ah've been busy.

Aldridge: Oh, really.

Mitchell: Say, you [mumbles something obscured by a car horn.]

Aldridge: Nope. You may be facing a disciplinary charge for shooting him.

Mitchell: What the hell? You wanted him for two weeks with no bail and that's how you got him.

Aldridge: I didn't expect you to shoot him!

Mitchell: Oh, you're asinine, Aldridge.

Crow [Aldridge]: I thought I had authority over him!

INT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

[Mitchell is having a meal with Cummins, Benton serving.]

Cummins: You shouldn't have blown your cover like that. 'I'll go phone headquarters'?

Tom [Mitchell]: Pass the potatoes, peas, butter, peas, pie, butter...

Cummins: That's your trouble.

Tom [Mitchell]: Yeah, trouble. Pass the gravy, the stuffing...

[Cummins signals that Benton should serve Mitchell. Benton looks annoyed. Mitchell picks something from his mouth.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Urp. Oh, that's one of *mine*!
Crow [Benton]: This is the part of being a henchman I hate.
Tom [snooty butler voice]: Can I tempt you with some dessert?

Cummins: I don't think Benton likes you.

Joel [of Mitchell's clothes]: Can we get some more volume on that jacket, please?

Cummins: That's your trouble. Not too many people like you. You've got to cultivate people, go out to them, win their confidence. You never know when they're going to come in useful. You've got to be nice to them.

Tom [Mitchell]: Yeah, nice, more butter please.

Mitchell: Well, what about the heroin, Mr Cummins?

Cummins: Forget the heroin!

Joel [Cummins]: That's for dessert!

Cummins: You're asking about the heroin over the soup! That's your trouble, you're impatient. You had that guy as if he was going to do you some harm.

Mitchell: Ah wanted to find out he he was.

Cummins: So ask him, don't shoot him! Who was he?

Tom [Mitchell]: Ah didn't ask him, ah shot him!

Mitchell: Bocca, Ted Bocca.

Crow: Bocca's a good cop!

Cummins: Booker? Booker, Booker, Booker?

Tom: Who's got the book?

Mitchell: Bocca, with a double 'c'. Edmundo Bocca.

Cummins [shrugging]: Like the soup?

Mitchell: Yes.

Crow [Mitchell]: Goes with mah tie.

Mitchell: You got this place laid out like a real banquet, Mr Cummins.

Cummins: Or a business dinner. We might talk business later. Can I have some more soup, Benton?

Benton: Uh, there is no more soup, sir.

Joel: I sense he's lying, but why would he lie about the soup?

Cummins: How do you like that? In my own house, no more soup.

Tom: My dinner with Mitchell.
[Crow makes slurping sounds as Mitchell eats.]

Cummins: Bocca works for Mistretta.

Mitchell: That's the first piece of information you've come up with, Mr Cummins.

Crow: How about letting *us* in on some?

Cummins: Benton, what're you doing with those steaks? You growing them?

Joel [Mitchell, dumb]: Huh huh huh, you can't grow steaks.

[Later. Mitchell's polished off most of a cow and is peeling an orange. Benton clears the table.]

Crow [Mitchell]: No, wait, ah want that bone marrow!

[A microphone droops into frame above Mitchell.]

Joel: Woah, boom mike, bigtime.
Crow: Wooo!

Cummins: You going to take all night peeling that orange?

Mitchell: I thought maybe we might talk about... the shipment?

[Cummins gets up and walks past Mitchell.]

Tom [Cummins]: Would you just give me that orange!
Crow [Mitchell]: Ah have a new friend.
Joel [Mitchell]: Woah, hey, ah put a couple of rolls in mah pocket, is that okay?

[Mitchell gets up and goes to Cummins, who's having a cup of coffee.]

[Crow makes more slurping noises.]

Mitchell: What ah want to know is-

Cummins: The coffee's cold, Benton. You're a lousy butler.

Benton: I am not a lousy butler.

Cummins: You're a lousy butler.

Benton: I am not!

Cummins: I say you're a lousy butler, the coffee is cold!

Tom: Suddenly it's 'The Servant' by Harold Pinter!

Mitchell: Well, ah think ah've got to go.

[He drops his orange peel in Benton's hand and walks out.]

Joel [Cummins]: Now look, you made Mitchell leave!

EXT. MITCHELL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Mitchell parks his car and gets out, heading for his apartment.]

[Joel makes heavy breathing and gulping noises.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Oh man, ah'm so hungry. Only two steaks for dinner, didn't get to finish mah orange, all the frozen yogurt places were closed, huh! Big buttery moon up there, the sidewalk kinda looks like ice cream if you squint hard. Streets look like cake.

[Two goons sneak around the side of the building. Mitchell hears something.]

Joel: Mitchell's legions of fans show up at any time of the day or night!

[Mitchell gets out his gun and cautiously walks round the corner.]

Crow [Mitchell]: This'll be okay, ah don't - oof!

[One of the goons punches Mitchell in the face. A scuffle ensues.]

Joel: Jeez, those Jehovah's Witnesses are getting tough!

[Mitchell is punched repeatedly in the stomach.]

Tom: Oh no, they're going to end up with Mitchell's dinner all over them!

[Mitchell goes down by a garbage can. The goons lay into him.]

Crow [Mitchell]: No, wait, hold it, a little piece of bacon!
Joel: You know, is it wrong for me to want to see this?
Tom: Ooooh, right in the tenderloin steak region!
Crow [goon]: Sorry bud, we thought you were Rockford!

[One of the goons shoves a trashcan over Mitchell's head.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Hey, ah think this is rice- oh, no it's not.

[Jolly C&W music starts up.]

Joel [redneck narrator]: Well, ol' Mitchell shore got hisself hogtied an' railroaded thar.

Singer: Well, mah mah mah mah Mitchell, what would your mamma say...

INT. MITCHELL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Mitchell's on his sofabed with Greta, writhing about under the covers.]

Mitchell: Would you watch mah ribs?

Crow: Oh, he's alone reading a comic book under there.

Singer: Cracking in heads, and jumping in and out of bed...

Joel [Greta]: Mitchell honey, you have anything New Age or something?

Singer: ...hanging round the criminal scene...

[Greta feels Mitchell's face.]

Joel: Oh, he's sleeping with Helen Keller.

Singer: ...do you think you are/some kind of a star/like the guys on the movie screen? [And so on.]

Crow: Oh, how I long for the burning bed about now!

[Greta runs her fingers over Mitchell's greasy lips.]

Tom [Greta]: You've got a lot of junk around here...

[Shots of intertwined feet and Mitchell and Greta kissing.]

Crow [appalled]: Why would anyone want to *do* this with Mitchell, Joel?
Joel: Shhh!

[Shot of Mitchell and Greta nose to nose, in silhouette.]

Joel: A vase, or two faces, or...?

[More vile snogging.]

Tom [Greta]: Oh, Yanni... I mean John... I mean Mitchell!
[General sounds of disgust.]

[Mitchell picks up a four-pack of beer with his toe, holding the plastic rings.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Hey, watch this, ah learned it at college, check it out.
Tom: That's just *class*.
Crow: [Sound of can opening] Glug glug glug glug glug!

[Mitchell puts the cans back, revealing...]

Joel [horrified]: Baby oil! Noooooo!
All: Aaaaarghh! Urrrghhhh!

[More fat-encrusted smooching.]

Tom: Bleeeuuuurghhh!
Crow [to song]: Mah mah mah mah *god*! Noooooooo!
Tom: Kill me, kill me!
Joel [Greta]: Ah, could you just get aroused, Mitchell? Just a little?
[The Bots are weeping.]

[Later, thank god. Greta is in Mitchell's kitchen.]

Joel [Greta]: How about some BTO?

[Mitchell is going through her handbag.]

Greta: You went through that Tuesday.

Tom [Greta]: And I still don't have any Tic-Tacs.

Mitchell: Yeah. But this is Thursday.

Crow: He makes a good point.

[Mitchell finds some grass.]

Mitchell: You know you could get busted for this?

Greta: Guy who busted me'd have to be very straight.

Mitchell: You implying ah'm not straight?

Joel [Greta]: Ah, you're boozy, but loveable.

Greta: You're as bent as the Tower of Pisa. Only trouble is, you don't know it.

Mitchell: You really think ah'd take some sort of a payoff, huh?

[Mitchell stands in front of a poor painting of some flowers.]

Greta: You already have, haven't you?

Mitchell: Now wait a minute! You're a Christmas gift!

Crow [Mitchell]: And ah wanted a Super Soaker!

Mitchell: That's what you said? Didn't you? Damn right. Not to make me the co-operative type. You just watch your pretty mouth.

Greta: So bust me! You're a policeman, and that's grass!

Crow: Merlin Olsen sent him that painting.

[Greta smiles and gives Mitchell a big hug.]

Tom [Greta]: My Mitchell. I think I'll keep him.

Greta: Oh, come on. Come on!

[She gives him loads of sloppy kisses.]

Crow: Eeeew!

INT POLICE STATION - NIGHT

[Mitchell is forcefully escorting lindaevens to the duty sergeant's desk. (BTW, the sergeant is played by the guy who played Deep Throat in 'The X Files'. Just thought I'd mention it.)]

Crow: Are they done? Can I look?

Greta: Well, you sure know how to bring a girl down.

Tom [Mitchell]: Uh, double room please, one night.

Greta: He sleeps with me, then busts me.

Crow: First things first!

Mitchell: Well, she asked me to.

Sergeant: What, sleep with her or bust her?

Tom: Gumph!

Mitchell: Both.

Joel: Waah waah waah waaaahhhh...

Sergeant: That'll be taken into account when your case is heard. Have you any other offences you'd like for us to take into consideration while you're in this kind of a mood?

Greta: Yeah, getting hung up on this guy.

Sergeant: That's a mistake, lady...

Tom [Sergeant]: Didn't do me any good.

Sergeant: ...not an offence.

Greta: When can I see my lawyer?

Sergeant: We'll take care of it for you.

Joel [Sergeant]: You're sleeping with him at three.

Sergeant: It'll take an hour or so.

Mitchell: Hey, it's only a $500 fine. At a thousand dollars a night, you're still ahead.

Crow: Not after taxes!

Greta: Oh, you're a terrific human being, Mitchell. I had a clean record in this town!

[A hard-faced policewoman enters.]

Tom: Sirens!

Mitchell: Hey...

[He tries to kiss Greta, but she pulls away, as well she might.]

Sergeant: Make sure she signs the property receipt.

Crow [stern falsetto]: Nobody asked for a prostitute, we'll take her right away...

[The policewoman leads Greta away.]

Joel [Greta]: Are we still on for Tuesday?

Sergeant: Hey, did you really sleep with her?

Mitchell: Yup.

Crow [Mitchell]: And then ah kissed her, huh huh!

[Mitchell leaves, passing another cop in the doorway.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Hey, Wally.
Joel [cop]: Mitch.

EXT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

[Mitchell toots his car horn. An annoyed Cummins comes out to see what's going on.]

Joel [sings, after 'beep beep']: At Beneficial, you're good for more...

[Shot of Mitchell looking dishevelled.]

Tom: The declining years of Lee Majors.

Cummins: Ask him to come in. Say that it's important, say that I have to see him.

Benton: Yes, sir.

Crow [Cummins]: Tell him we have sour cream.

[Mitchell looks in his wing mirror to see Greta in a little Datsun parked behind him.]

Joel: Man, this stakeout's getting crowded!

[Mitchell briefly looks at the camera.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Hi, folks.

[He gets out as Benton approaches and walks back to the house with him.]

Crow [Benton]: Duh, the steaks are ready.
Tom [Mitchell]: Can Linda come too?
Joel [Mitchell]: So tell me, Merlin, d'you know Roland Gabriel?
Crow [Mitchell]: Ah think you're a *good* butler.
Tom [sings]: Movin' on up! Wheezy!

INT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

Cummins: This way.

Tom: [sounds like "wall drums"?]

Cummins: You want a drink?

Joel [Mitchell]: Uh, is the Pope catholic?

Cummins: Siddown.

Crow [Cummins]: Wanna shoot a beer bong?

Cummins: All right, Mitchell, time we stop messing around.

Mitchell: What's that mean?

Cummins: I want to put you on the payroll.

Tom [Cummins]: We have an opening in retail.

Mitchell: On the payroll?

Cummins: Look, I'm in trouble. You sensed it, you know it, and I know it.

Mitchell: Specifically what trouble?

Cummins: You'll know when you're on the payroll. Now I get to ask the questions.

Tom [Mitchell]: Noted.

Cummins: I need help.

Joel [Cummins]: I got a purple mole on my back.

Cummins: I need help from any source that I can get it.

Crow [Cummins]: So I'm down to you.

Mitchell: Why don't you put it on the line?

Cummins: I want to buy your services. Your voice on the phone in case I need the help of your police department.

Mitchell: Let me just write the details of your bribe down, Mr Cummins.

[Outside, Greta deliberately drives her Datsun into the back of Mitchell's car.]

Joel: It's a Shriner's car!
[Tom hums Shriner-style music.]
Crow [Greta]: Hey, a place in the shade! Oops.

[Cummins hears the noise and goes to the window to see. Greta gets out and walks to Mitchell's car]

Crow [Greta]: He pulled out right in front of me!
Joel: She's got a David Cassidy haircut!

[Greta gets out a lipstick and starts to write on Mitchell's windscreen.]

Crow: Hah, she's gonna write 'redrum' on his windshield. R... E... oh.

[She actually writes 'JERK!']

Tom [Greta]: He'll think of me the whole time he's cleaning that off.
Joel [Cummins]: Er, were you expecting a prostitute?
Crow [Cummins]: Word on the street is you're a jerk!

Cummins: Could be open, cash... or subtle, just the way you take it from other people.

Mitchell: Ah don't take bribes.

Tom [Mitchell]: But ah do take [tequila?]

Cummins: My guy down at City Hall says he saw you in court this morning with a hooker that you sleep with and occasionally arrest.

Mitchell: What else'd he tell you?

Cummins: That she's too expensive and you can't afford her on a policemen's salary. Now *somebody's* picking up the cheque. Now who could that be?

Mitchell: You.

Cummins: Me what?

Mitchell: You're picking up the cheque.

Cummins: No I don't. I don't pay for your hookers, Mitchell.

Joel [Mitchell]: Well, could ya?

Mitchell: Then who is?

Cummins: You don't know? [Starts laughing] You're a cop and you don't know?

[Mitchell gets up and storms out.]

Tom [Mitchell]: No, ah don't.
Crow [Mitchell]: Ah specifically came here for dinner!

[Mitchell snaps his fingers for Benton to open the door.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Yeah, get me some flowers pronto, Merlin!
Tom [Mitchell]: No wait, ah'm not leaving without some tuna wiggle! [Benton closes the door.] Oh, damn.

EXT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - DAY

[Mitchell drives up the house and stomps to the door, hammering on it.]

Crow: He's got a light-emitting bald spot.

INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE

[A black maid in a revealing frilly dress answers the door.]

Tom [maid, snooty]: *Some*one to *see* you, *sir*.

Deaney: I knew you'd call sooner or later.

Joel [Deaney]: So, are you ready to join Hair Club yet?

Deaney: Come on.

Crow: Joe Don Baker, face number four.

[Mitchell follows Deaney into his living room, checking out the maid's butt as she walks away.]

Joel [chiding]: Hey, Joe Don!

[There's a Christmas tree in the background.]

Deaney: Siddown.

Joel [Deaney]: Prostitute?

Deaney: How do you like your scotch?

Crow [Mitchell]: Uh, by the quart.
Joel [Mitchell]: Come on, more, keep it coming, ah'm a big boy, that's right.
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah usually take it with a Ding-Dong in it, but ah guess ah'll take it neat, that's okay.

Deaney: Y'know...

Joel [Deaney]: Booze is good food.

Deaney: ...I admire a man like you.

Crow [Deaney]: Not you *specifically*.

Deaney: You take your time, you're cool.

Tom: Yeaaaahhhhh.

Deaney: Yes sir.

Joel [of tree]: You know, he may be a bad guy, but he's got a ton of gifts up there.

Deaney: How's the broad?

Mitchell: That's what ah came to talk about.

Deaney: You know what it costs to keep you sweet? A hundred bucks an hour. Something that happens all night... well, you figure it out, that's like a thousand bucks before breakfast.

Mitchell: Far as ah'm concerned, she's just some broad looking for a little action.

Deaney: You want to see the receipt?

Mitchell: You're wasting your money, Deaney.

Deaney: Let me be the judge of that.

Mitchell: You're lining my bed for nothing.

Tom [Deaney]: Well, I guess I'll have to talk to my accountant.

Deaney: You really think so?

Joel [Mitchell]: Ah'm turning Japanese.

[Deaney gets up.]

Crow [Deaney]: Let me show you what I got for Christmas.

Deaney: I arrange a hundred dollar company in your name.

Joel: You mean Orion?

Deaney: We'll negotiate the transfer of a piece of real estate.

[Deaney walks around.]

Crow [as if reading cue card]: Cross to fireplace.

Deaney: For let's say...

Tom [Deaney]: ...I'm Rosalind Russell.

[Deaney lights a cigar.]

Deaney: ...$25,000. You haven't got $25,000, but I'll get you a bank loan. All legitimate. The piece of real estate you buy will be a piece I designate, and you buy it from one of my subsidiary companies.

Joel [Mitchell]: Oh man, I am *so* lost.

Deaney: Then I buy it off you, for let's say 100 Gs. That'll give you a clear profit of $75,000. And who's to say it isn't a genuine investment?

Tom [Mitchell, of cigar]: Is that a Slim Jim? Can ah have that when you're done with that?
Crow [Mitchell]: Do you open your Christmas presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

Deaney: So... what do you think?

Mitchell: Ah'm going to get you for that murder.

Joel [Mitchell]: But first, Merry Christmas.

Deaney: You're making the biggest mistake of your life.

INT. MITCHELL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Shot of crashed beer cans and other junk on the floor. Mitchell's crashed out on his sofa bed.]

Joel: Yep, another Wednesday night at Mitchell's.
Crow: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
Tom [Mitchell]: Dammit, ah'm still not drunk.

[Another Hoyt Axton song starts up.]

Joel: Oh my goodness, I think B J Thomas is in his room!

[Mitchell listlessly slurps a beer.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Oh, yuck, ah got a cigarette in that one.
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah like to top off mah beer drinking with another beer. It's like dessert.
Joel: It's 'A Very Special Joe Don Baker Christmas'.

[Mitchell sits up and takes off his belt. Tom and Crow make huge farting noises.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Booze and I are buyin' a house together, we're gonna move in.

[Mitchell goes into the bathroom and takes off his shirt.]

Crow: He's going to strip down to his underwear and watch 'McQ'.

[Mitchell starts fiddling with the shower.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Huh. Wonder what this thing does? Water! Ah never knew that, wow!

[Mitchell looks as though he's about to drop his pants.]

Crow: Woah, no!

EXT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

Crow: Phew! Well, thank god for the jump-cut!

[Mitchell pulls his car up outside the house.]

Radio announcer: ...Walter R Deaney died today when a dune buggy...

[Mitchell starts blasting the horn. Cummins glares at him from the house.]

Joel: Honey, church!
Crow [Cummins]: Mitchell, I'm not going to your folks' for Christmas!
Tom [Cummins]: Damn, I'm still in this 'Mitchell' movie!

[A small boy on a skateboard stops by Mitchell's car.]

Joel: Adam Rich!

Boy: Hi!

Mitchell: Hi.

Boy: Are you the man from the insurance?

Mitchell: No.

Boy: You came last night.

Mitchell: No.

Boy: My mother doesn't like you.

Mitchell: Well, ah don't like your mother.

Boy: Why not?

Mitchell: Why not?

Boy: No, why not?

Mitchell: No, why not?

Boy: Why're you repeating what I say?

Tom: Tonight, on 'Crossfire'!

Mitchell: Why're you repeating what ah say?

Boy: I'm not!

Mitchell: Well, ah'm not.

Boy: You are!

Mitchell: Buzz off.

[Joel puts his head in his hands.]

Boy: What?

Mitchell: What?

Boy: What'd you say?

Mitchell: What'd you say?

Boy: Didn't you say something?

Tom: AAAAAAAARGHHHHH!

Mitchell: Didn't you say something?

Boy: You told me to buzz off!

Mitchell: You're lying through your teeth!

Boy: You're lying through your teeth!

Mitchell: Buzz off!

Boy: Buzz off!

Mitchell: Buzz off, kid!

[The kid jumps on his skateboard and rushes off. Mitchell starts up his car.]

Crow: The inspiration for 'Cop And A Half'!
Tom [Mitchell]: Give him a half-block head start, then ah'm gonna mow him over!
Joel [Mitchell]: Oh, Schlitz would listen to me right now, that's for sure.

[Jaunty music starts up as Cummins storms over.]

Tom [sings]: Did you ever have to make up your mind...
Joel: The Lovin' Handful.

Cummins: Why don't you have me arrested?

Mitchell: 'Cause you want me to. No, ah don't want you on an assault charge. Ah want everything, you, Mistretta, and a lead to Galano and the lousy heroin.

Crow: ...a family, a career...

Cummins: Maybe you'll get 'em. I wonder if I should have a talk with you, Mitchell.

Mitchell: Ah wonder if you should too, Cummins.

Cummins: You scared to come in the house?

Mitchell: No.

Cummins: I give you my word that nothing'll happen to you this time.

Mitchell: Ah'm not scared of you, Cummins.

Joel [Mitchell]: But ah do have to use your washroom if that's all right.
Tom [Mitchell]: Let's get inside before that kid comes back again.
Crow [of JDB]: He's no Claude Akins, but what a butt!

INT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

[Benton opens the door for Cummins and Mitchell, who stroll in.]

Joel: Mitchell!
[Tom provides a few quiet 'wakka-cha-wakka's.]

Cummins: Siddown.

Mitchell: Well-

Cummins: Shuddup, son. You don't drink, do you?

Crow [Mitchell]: Just pour, dad.

Cummins: Well, this is the way it went. Mistretta made the setup.

Joel: With Galano.

Cummins: He did it so late, told me the heroin was on the water coming through my operation in San Pedro. Now he tells me when the stuff was already on the way.

Mitchell: Where next?

[Cummins puts the cap on the bottle.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Don't close it, don't close it!

Cummins: Mistretta phoned a little while back.

Joel: You mean Galano.

Cummins: With an ultimatum. I had an hour to reply.

Mitchell: What're you gonna do?

Cummins: Time to think, Mitchell. Now I'm going to call Mistretta back and tell him that it's okay to use my port facilities.

Crow [Mitchell]: Port? You got port here?

Cummins: Now I'm going to set it up, hand it all over to you.

Tom: Ta-daaah!

Mitchell: Now that sounds a little too good to be true.

Cummins: You buying?

Mitchell: How's the stuff coming in?

Cummins: You've got a rich woman in a big car that's going to pick up the luggage that she sent ahead after her vacation in Acapulco. You're going to be the chauffeur.

Joel [Mitchell]: Well, that's gonna be $3.50 an hour.

Cummins: You rendezvous with Mistretta.

Crow: Galano.

Mitchell: Where?

Cummins: He's got a house in Calabash. Now you get the heroin, you get Mistretta. You don't get me, understood? You don't get me.

Mitchell: All right, what time does this all happen at?

EXT. DOCKS - DAY

Crow: No time like the present!
Tom: Well, it's too bad that scene had to end, eh?

[Mitchell drives a big car with an old woman in the back up the dockside to a warehouse.]

Crow: Rich woman, big car, see, see?

[A customs officer in a busboy-style uniform brings out a large case. Mitchell gets it and puts it in the trunk.]

Joel [singing, barbershop quartet-style]: Sweet Adelide...
Tom [singing]: Bah dah dah daahhh...
Crow: No, Mitchell, no!
Joel [falsetto]: Oh, be careful with that horse, young man.

Customs officer: We'll need your signature.

[Joel and Tom start singing again.]

Customs officer: And if you'll fill out this customs declaration...

Old woman: And what do I write under 'contents'?

Customs officer: Personal.

Joel [falsetto]: And what time does your shift end?

Old woman: And value?

Customs officer: One hundred dollars.

Crow [falsetto]: No, I mean street value, punk.
Joel [of Mitchell's hat]: Wow, that Mitchell is really a master of disguise.
Crow [customs officer]: Just had a nice chat with your mom.

[Mitchell gets back into the car.]

Tom [falsetto]: Take me to Wendy's, I've got a meeting with Clara Peller.
Joel [falsetto]: We're going to control the ghetto, you and I, young man.

[Mitchell drives away. They pass Benton, who's wearing a sou'ester, in a phone box.]

Tom [falsetto]: Gotta keep driving, honky.
Crow [of sou'ester]: I can't wear yellow.

INT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

[Cummins makes a phone call.]

Joel: Guys, he's got a terracotta bowling pin lamp.
Crow: Certainly does.

EXT. MISTRETTA'S HOUSE - DAY

[Hood 1 takes the call poolside.]

Hood 1: Hello.

[Intercut between Cummins and Mistretta.]

Cummins: Let me talk to Mistretta.

Hood 1: For you.

Joel [Mistretta]: Course it is, it's my phone!
Tom [Mistretta]: Galano here.

Cummins: Okay, Mistretta, the consignment's on its way.

Mistretta: I hope everything goes smooth.

Cummins: There's one slight alteration in the arrangements. You know that cop that's been bugging me, Mitchell? He's bringing you the stuff.

Mistretta: I don't believe you.

Cummins: Do.

Mistretta: Are you out of your mind?

Cummins: No, I'm going to be out on my boat.

Crow [Cummins]: Ha!

Cummins: Now you just tie up all the loose ends. Mitchell knows about the stuff. Deal with him in your own way.

[Cummins hangs up.]

Joel [Mistretta]: The boss is such a dink!

INT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY

[Cummins makes another call.]

Crow [Cummins]: I'd better call mom.

Cummins: Oh, sergeant? You might want to tell Chief Pallin that one of his boys, that Mitchell character?

Tom [Sergeant]: Oh, the drunk one!

Cummins: Well, he's heading for trouble in Calabash.

Tom [Sergeant]: The cop that sleeps with hookers, right?

EXT. ROAD - DAY

[Mitchell drives the old woman along.]

Crow [falsetto]: Ohh, I just felt the balloon break, ooh ohoo...

[Mitchell stops the car.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Ah thought maybe we could just stop here and just talk.

[Mitchell gets out.]

Mitchell: Step out.

Tom [Mitchell]: You know how fast you were just driving? Uh, ah was...

[Mitchell opens the trunk.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Okay, get in.
Joel [falsetto]: All right, let's see the skag.

[Mitchell uses a tyre iron to open the case.]

Tom [falsetto]: Oh, here, let me explain what you're going to see. Oh, ooh, now I only wear that on special occasions, heh...

[Mitchell finds a hidden compartment in the bottom of the case. Inside are some bags of white powder.]

Crow [falsetto]: Those are my fine washables, ehh...

[Mitchell dips his fingers into the powder and takes a taste.]

Joel: Jeez, Scarface didn't do that much at once!

Old woman: I didn't have anything to do with all this.

Mitchell: You mean this heroin?

Old woman: Yes.

Mitchell: It ain't smack, lady, it's chalk. Cummins is crossing Galano.

Tom: And we're passing the savings onto you!

Mitchell: You sure you want to be in the middle of this?

Tom [falsetto]: I can take the heat.

Mitchell: Come on, take a walk.

Old woman: What?

Mitchell: Walk! Come on!

Tom [falsetto]: But my varicose veins!

Mitchell: Come on!

Crow [falsetto]: But my hip!

Mitchell: Watch out for traffic.

Joel [falsetto]: What a nice young man.
Tom [falsetto]: Bite me, Mitchell!

[Mitchell closes the boot and rubs his hankie over it.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Quality's job one, yup.

[For no reason, Mitchell sticks his hankie into the car's filler cap and lets it dangle down below the bumper.]

Tom: Oh, he's going to take a little nip out of the gas tank.
Joel: He's doing a magic trick with the car!
Tom [Mitchell]: We've never met before, have we?
Crow: He's putting a dickie on his car!
Tom [Mitchell]: Now why did ah do that?

[Mitchell struts back to the driver's door and gets in.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Yeah, think things are turnin' around for ol' Mitchell, heh heh.

[Mitchell drives off.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Now just keep walking, lady, ah can still see you! Come on!
Joel: Mitchell put a handkerchief on the back of his car, run!

EXT. MARINA - DAY

[Cummins and Benton hurry to a moored boat.]

Joel: Oh, come on, no, not 'Catalina Caper'!
Crow: Not the goofy guy.

[Benton scurries around in a rush to untie the boat.]

Crow: Well, you can't say they look suspicious or anything.

[The boat sets off.]

Tom: Think they should have brought food, or clothes, or something?
Joel: Okay guys, I call no singing the 'Gilligan's Island' theme.
Crow: I didn't even think of it.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

[Mitchell drives along.]

Crow [to music]: Eischeid! Eischeid! 'Cause it's...

[Long shot of somebody watching Mitchell approach.]

Tom: The gods must be crazy, look!
Joel: It hurts.

(Continue to Part 4)

Part 4

Part 4 of The Blair Mitch Project's MST3K MITCHELL transcribe

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


EXT. MISTRETTA'S HOUSE - DAY

[Mitchell stands in the barren wasteland outside Mistretta's house.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Wait here. Oh, ah'm alone!

[Mistretta and Hood 1 stride purposefully down the drive.]

Crow [Italian]: We are two wild and-a crazy guys!
Joel [Mistretta]: Hey, we're the sons of the old lady you made get out of the car and walk!

Mistretta: Keys!

[Mitchell hands them over.]

Crow [sarcastic]: You're *welcome*.

[Mistretta opens the trunk. Mitchell grins like an idiot.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Ha huh ah huh huh.

Mistretta: Cummins says you're a cop.

Crow [Mitchell]: Well, that pretty much blows mah cover.

[Hood 1 pulls a gun. Mistretta opens the case.]

Tom [Mistretta]: Where's that green pantsuit?

Mistretta: He says you're the cop that keeps following him. He says to kill you. I think he's got a point. He's leaving on a boat out of Marina Del Ray. I'm gonna put your body on that boat, then call the coastguard.

Joel [Mitchell]: Okay, anything ah can do?

Mistretta: What made you come here alone?

Mitchell: Cummins said you were friendly people.

[Mistretta takes some 'coke' from the case and pulls back his top lip in a most alarming manner.]

[Crow makes angry dog noises.]

[Mistretta tastes the 'drug'.]

Tom [Mistretta]: Mmm, minty!

[Mistretta realises he's been had, and punches Mitchell.]

Mistretta: Okay, boy, where's the stuff?

Mitchell: Ah think ah hid it.

Mistretta: Where?

[He kicks Mitchell in one knee.]

{Everyone makes appreciative sounds.]

Mitchell: In a gas station outside the docks.

Mistretta: Get in.

[Hood 1 picks up Mitchell.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Could you kick mah other knee to balance it out?

[Mitchell ducks and sets fire to the hankie with his lighter.]

Mistretta: He lit the tank!

[Everyone runs. The car explodes.]

Joel: Oh, this must be 'Dateline NBC'.

[Shot of Hood 2.]

Joel [Hood 2]: Is that the signal?

[A helicopter approaches.]

Hood 2: The police! The police are coming! You hear me? The police are coming!

Tom: So, are the police coming?

[Mitchell gets up and runs off. Hoods 1 and 2 give chase.]

Joel [Mistretta]: Guys, let's take the ca- oh, yeah.

[Mistretta runs back to his house. Hood 1 fires a shot at Mitchell.]

Crow [of Hood 1]: Andy Kaufman!

[Big close-up of Hood 1.]

Crow [Hood 1]: You are so stupeed!

[Everything goes silent for a moment.]

Joel: Mitchell killed the sound!

[More running.]

Tom: They're going faster than that car chase!
Crow [Hood 1]: Come back, you are so stupeed!

[Mistretta jumps onto his motorbike.]

[More running and shooting.]

[Tom makes agonised gasping sounds as Mitchell runs.]
Crow: Now, isn't it against the rules to shoot an opponent in the foot race?

[Mistretta sets off on his motorbike.]

[Crow makes scooter noises.]

[Mitchell signals for help as the helicopter flies overhead.]

Mitchell: Hey!

Joel [Mitchell]: Taxi!

[Mitchell raises both arms in the air.]

Tom: Touchdown!

Mitchell: Heeeeyyyy!

[The helicopter drops a long, thin object.]

Joel: Oh, like a salami's going to help.

[It turns out to be a shotgun. Mitchell blows away Hood 1.]

Crow [Hood 1]: Tank you veddy much.

[Mitchell then blows away Hood 2.]

Joel: Mitchell!

[Mistretta comes tearing down the hill on his motorbike. Mitchell unaccountably throws down his shotgun and picks up Hood 1's gun.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Ah wanna see this one.

[Mistretta comes flying over a bank of earth. Mitchell shoots him and blows him off the bike.]

Joel: There went Bronson.

[The helicopter lands. An unknown man runs over the crest of the hill.]

Tom [man]: Hey, we're building over here-

[Mitchell shoots him.]

Tom [man]: Ugh!
Crow: Woah!

[Mitchell gets into the helicopter. The co-pilot helps him in.]

Tom [co-pilot, soothing]: C'mere, Mitchell.

Mitchell: Can you get to Marina Del Ray?

Joel [pilot]: Well, okay, are you a cop or what?
Tom [Mitchell]: What's that? Whaddya mean you don't have any Schlitz on board?

[The helicopter takes off.]

EXT. SEA - DAY

[Cummins' boat powers out to sea. Intercut with this are 'thrilling' shots of the helicopter flying.]

Crow: We got ta close da beaches!

[The helicopter banks sharply.]

Tom [pilot]: Mitchell, would you move over *please*? The *other* way!
Joel [Mitchell: Uh, could we turn on the radio?

[The 'cheesy corporate' music starts up again.]

Tom [announcer]: From maritime polymers for boats to the fuel in this helicopter - 3M, building the future!

[Overhead shot of Marina Del Ray and an oddly-shaped building.]

Joel: Hey, it's the starship Enterprise in drydock!

Co-pilot: We need to contact the marina. You got a description?

Crow [Mitchell]: Yeah, it's white and it's a boat!

Co-pilot: You know you're looking for the proverbial needle?

Mitchell: Let's try the harbourmaster!

Tom [announcer]: 3M! Innovation! Research!

Mitchell: He could be heading for Mexico. How can we stop him?

Co-pilot: Coastguard.

Mitchell: Reckon he could outrun the coastguard?

Co-pilot: Maybe.

Mitchell: Not good enough.

Joel [co-pilot]: Well, *you* fly this thing, then!

[They fly over loads of boats.]

Tom: There it- no, wait, I think that's the one- no, there it is-

[The helicopter comes in to land.]

Joel: It's the miracle acrylic bubble that makes it possible!
Crow [Mitchell]: Yeah, they call me mah-mah-mah-mah-Mitchell! Ah'm always bustin' heads, jumpin' in and out of bed... you?

[Mitchell gets out of the chopper and runs for a nearby building.]

Tom [pilot]: Mitchell, you should've thought of that before we left!
Joel: Mitchell goes as big as his life!

[Mitchell runs into the harbour master's office.]

EXT. SEA - DAY

[The boat cruises down the coast.]

Crow: Now this looks positively Baywatchian.
Tom: PT-90210.

EXT. HARBOUR MASTER'S OFFICE - DAY

[Mitchell comes running out again.]

Joel: All done!
Tom: All zipped up?

Mitchell: He's goin' down to Mexico in a white 35-footer! He's got a half-hour head start, so we gotta hustle.

Tom [Mitchell]: We're supposed to go to some place called the 'Pacific Ocean'. Said it's big and blue and it's got a lot of fish in it.

[The chopper takes off. More music.]

Tom: Yes, the future belongs to 3M!
Joel [of co-pilot]: Hey, is that Paul Hogan in the middle there?
Crow [Mitchell]: You guys get pretty good benefits?

EXT SEA - DAY

[The boat, again.]

Tom: Boatniks II: The Final Conflict.
Crow [quietly]: Wakka-cha-wakka-cha...

EXT. HELICOPTER - DAY

[Mitchell scans the sea with some binoculars.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Hey, check this out - mah foot is huge!
Tom [Hogan]: Give me that!

Hogan: We got a problem, Mac - we got an hour's fuel. Eight miles, forty out, forty back. Twenty minutes, we'll be in Mexican territorial waters. No power to arrest anyone.

Mitchell: Too late for th' Coast Guard to arrest 'em?

Hogan: Right.

Crow: This is turning into an episode of 'Riptide'.

[A shot of Mitchell looking uninterested.]

Joel: Jimmy Osmond, all grown up.

EXT. SEA - DAY

[The boat. The 'Mitchell theme' starts up.]

Crow: On 'The People's Court!'

[Cummins sips a glass of whiskey.]

Tom: Martin Balsam - the Dewars' Profile.

EXT. HELICOPTER - DAY

[Mitchell points at a yellow thing on the side of the chopper.]

Mitchell: What's the yellow thing?

Tom [Mitchell]: It's been following us!

Hogan: It's the rescue system.

Mitchell: How long is the rope on this winch?

Hogan: Sixty feet!

Joel [Hogan]: Here, let me show you round the rest of the cabin!

[Mitchell unbuckles his seat belt.]

Mitchell: Hold her steady!

Crow [Hogan]: Quick Steve, hard bank turn, now!

[Mitchell starts to clamber out. Hogan stops him.]

Hogan: Whatever you want to do, I'll do it!

Crow [Mitchell]: Ah want to jump to mah death!

Mitchell: Tie this rope here to the front of that thing.

Hogan: Hang onto me!

Mitchell: Right!

[Mitchell grabs Hogan around his waist as he ties the rope.]

Tom [Hogan]: Mitchell, please, not here, honey!
Crow: What a great action hero, he just pawns off his duties on others.

Pilot: What's the idea?

Mitchell: You'll see.

Pilot: Just over the horizon, the Mexican border.

Tom: And it's all here at 3M's new facility in Mexico!

Mitchell: Just keep goin'!

Pilot: You got ten minutes to find that boat, Mac. We're at the halfway point on fuel, we'll have to turn back.

Tom: Harvesting the ocean's bounty, for the future!
Joel [of chopper's floats]: You think those are Schlitz cans?

EXT. SEA - DAY

[The boat. Again.]

Crow: Well, things'll work out okay, Mr Maxwell. Mr Maxwell? [k-splishhh!]

EXT. HELICOPTER - DAY

Mitchell: There she is!

Joel: Oh! So the helicopter's chasing the boat, and...
[The bots make 'ah, got it' noises.]

Mitchell: Lower it all the way down!

[Hogan climbs over and starts unfastening the yellow thing. Mitchell holds him again.]

Tom: Andrew's getting a little thick around the middle!
Joel [Mitchell]: Just tell me when this gets uncomfortable.

[The yellow thing is released.]

Tom: I'm huge!

[The yellow thing dangles below the chopper on the end of the rope.]

Crow: Awright, now jig it off the bottom!
Joel [Hogan]: Um, let's just not talk for a while.
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah still stand by the idea of the yellow thing!

EXT. BOAT - DAY

[Cummins sees the approaching chopper.]

Joel [Cummins]: The hell?

EXT. CHOPPER - DAY

[The helicopter doesn't seem to be operating at anything near maximum revs...]

Tom: Hey, check out the rotors!

[Rapid intercutting of the boat and the helicopter.]

Tom: Huh?
Crow: Wait...
Joel [exaggerated 'got it' tone]: Oh! I see.
Tom: Yeah!
Joel: Because the, and the...
Crow: The helicopter, and...

[Finally, the chopper and the boat are in the same shot! The yellow things gets closer and closer, and eventually smashes into the boat's top deck. Cummins and Benton dive for cover.]

Tom: Mitchell!

[The helicopter circles round again.]

Joel: You know, I think things were a lot easier when Mitchell was just sitting around outside Martin Balsam's house.

[Mitchell starts shooting at the boat. Benton shoots back.]

Tom: Ptoo! Ptweee! Ptang! Ptwaaeeeiii!

[Hogan leans out to take a shot, and immediately has a hole blown in his chest. He falls out of the helicopter into the sea.]

Crow [Hogan]: TellmywifeIloveherMitchelllllll!
Tom [Mitchell]: Well, y'are gonna lose a few.

Mitchell [yelling incoherently]: Takeanorrer passatim! I gorranidea!

Tom [Mitchell]: Borragorrarorra!

EXT. BOAT - DAY

[Benton takes aim again.]

Joel [Benton]: Wow, I didn't think he'd be that mad.

EXT. HELICOPTER - DAY

Tom [pilot, sobbing]: He was my partner for seven years!

[The same shots of the helicopter swooping down appear again.]

Tom: So.
Joel: Well.
Crow: Looks like excitement by repetition!
Tom: It's the maritime equivalent of rock climbing.

[After a while, the yellow thing smashes into the boat again, knocking Benton back into the cabin.]

Crow [Cummins]: Oh, that's weird.

[Mitchell shimmies down the rope onto the boat.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Ow, stings, ow ow ow...
Tom [Cummins, unconcerned]: Oh. What a mess.
Joel: I could never do that in gym class.

[Benton stirs in the cabin.]

Crow [Benton]: I dreamed I was Father Murphy.

[The chopper flies off, dragging the yellow thing behind it. Benton gets up.]

Tom: Guys? Wasn't John Saxon in this movie?
Crow: Oh, yeah!

[Benton emerges from the cabin, and Mitchell smashes a plank over his head from above.]

Joel: Mitchell!

[Benton drops his gun. Mitchell and Benton both grab for it. Benton slams Mitchell into the cabin wall.]

Tom [Cummins]: Take the roughhousing outside!

[Mitchell flails vaguely in Benton's direction, and he goes down.]

Crow [Benton]: Somebody kinda hit me somewhere!

[Mitchell tries to climb onto the top deck. Benton grabs him, drags him back and throws him on the floor.]

Joel: Come here, go away, come here, go away... it's a pattern with them!
Tom: These Circle Line tours are getting really brutal!

[Cummins slams the cabin door.]

Crow: We're closed!

[Benton gets a gun from the top deck, but Mitchell wraps a rope around his neck. Benton elbows him in the groin a couple of times.]

Crow: Oooh, right in the dinghy!
Tom: Ouch.

[Benton keeps hammering Mitchell.]

Joel [Benton]: This is for the soup remark!

[Benton punches Mitchell so hard he flies right over the guardrail onto the deck below. Benton jumps after him.]

Tom: Mannix, extra-large!

[Mitchell grabs a boat hook as Benton goes for his gun. Mitchell hooks Benton's foot and pulls him over.]

Tom: Oh, vaudeville!

[Mitchell then whacks Benton in the stomach with the hook and tugs at it.]

Joel: Or not.
Bots: Eww!

[Covered in blood, Benton gets up and charges at Mitchell.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Here, let me tuck your intestines back in here, heh...
Tom: And there on his colon was a hook.

[Benton gives Mitchell a bloody nose, and not before time. We then get a big closeup of Benton as his eyes roll up into his head.]

Joel: Well, let's see. I see Van Morrison, I see Meatloaf, and Spaaaahhhhkkk...

[Benton gives up the ghost and falls overboard.]

Tom: So long, *chum*! Ha ha ha!
[Crow giggles.]

[In the cabin, Cummins checks a revolver, then gets a bag out of a cupboard.]

Joel: He refrigerates his bowling bag?

[He gets an automatic from a drawer as well.]

Crow [Cummins]: Nah, this one's better.
Tom [Cummins, singsong]: Out in a miiin-ute, Mitchell, I'm taking a shoooow-errr...

[On the deck, Mitchell rips out the boat's fuel lines, stalling the engine.]

Crow [Cummins, of decor in cabin]: Either those curtains go or I do.

[The boat is drifting in the ocean.]

Tom: Dead Calm.
Crow: Dead clam.

[Cummins waits nervously in the cabin.]

Tom [Cummins, loudly]: Mmm, boy, this sure is good boo-oooze! Captain Schlitz, I think your order's up!

Cummins: Benton?

Crow: Harbour, Michigan!

Cummins: Benton!

[Tom starts doing the 'Jaws' theme.]
Joel [Cummins, bored]: Nah, I'll make sandwiches.

[Cummins picks up both his guns.]

Crow [Jimmy Cagney]: You'll never take me alive, coppers!

Cummins: Hey, Mitchell!

Tom [Mitchell]: Yeah - oh, damn!

Cummins: Very impressive! Very smart, Mitchell! You know that you and me have over a million dollars here? You hear me? Over a million dollars right here in a bag! You don't have to be a pig for the rest of your life, Mitchell!

Crow [Mitchell]: Well, ah kinda do!

Cummins: Hey, Mitchell! You're smart enough for something better!

Tom: Oh, yo' smart 'nuff, Mitchell!

Cummins: Half a million bucks! Take a look at it!

Joel [Cummins, goofy]: Oh, you'll like it! Huh huh!

[Cummins opens the cabin door. No sign of Mitchell.]

Tom [Cummins]: Let's rip off the last scenes from 'Key Largo', Mitchell!

Cummins: I'm throwing it out!

[He tosses the bag onto the deck.]

Crow [Cummins]: Grab anything frilly outta there you want!

Cummins: Why don't we talk about it, Mitchell? Here's my gun!

[He tosses one of the guns down by the bag.]

Cummins: No reason to fight! We're smart, we'll both be okay!

Joel [Cummins]: Okay, I'm gonna start taking off my clothes! You better stop me!

[Cummins cautiously steps out onto the deck.]

Crow: Counsellor!

[Mitchell shoots him in the back with an M-16 rifle.]

Crow [Cummins]: So the deal's off, then?
Joel: I think it was one of those effects too expensive to show.
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah'll never grow old, ah'll never die, an' ah'll always eat oatmeal.

EXT. MITCHELL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Mitchell blunders back to his squalid flat. A dog barks.]

Crow: Mr Roper? You home?
Joel: Mitchell - licenced to slouch.
Tom: Huh. Y'know, it's about this time in any killing spree that you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.
Crow: Yup.
Bots: Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...
Joel: Guys, come on.
Tom [whispers]: Do the deed, do it!

[Mitchell creeps up to his door and takes out his gun.]

Tom [sings]: Mah, mah, mah, mah 'partment...
Crow [Mitchell]: Ah'd knock, but ah know ah'm not home.
Joel [Mitchell]: Man, ah love pullin' mah gun when ah go into mah own apartment. Scares mah cats half to death!

[Mitchell bursts through his door and crouches, waving his gun around.]

Tom: Well, no-one's disturbed his porn pile...

[Greta is asleep in his bed. Mitchell drags her out.]

Mitchell: Out!

Crow: Huh?

Mitchell: Face the bed! Freeze!

Joel [Greta]: Yanni, you're home!

[Mitchell whips open a closet door and aims his gun inside.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Okay, clothes, hold it right there!
Tom: That was close.
Crow [Mitchell]: All right, John Tesh, ah know you're in here!
Tom [Mitchell]: All right, kitchen, freeze!

[Mitchell staggers into another room and turns on the light.]

All: Surprise! Happy birthday to you, happy...

[Greta, her hands on her head, watches.]

Tom: Not a thought in her head.
Joel [Mitchell]: So, how was your day?

Greta: You get a kick out of this kind of thing?

Tom [Mitchell]: It has its moments.

Mitchell: How'd you get in here?

Greta: Through the door.

Mitchell: It was locked.

[Greta picks up a key.]

Tom: She had a key!

Greta: Can I put my hands down now?

Mitchell: What happened to the kitchen?

Greta: I had to eat!

[The kitchen is a mess.]

Crow [Mitchell]: What, d'ya have Mickey Rourke over or somethin'?

Mitchell: Oh, my, huh. You could've at least washed the dishes.

Greta: There's no machine.

Mitchell: Where ah come from you wash in the sink and you dry it with a cloth. Try it before you leave.

Joel: Yeah, well, where you come from beer's an entree.

[Mitchell goes into the bathroom and slams the door.]

Greta: Hey!

Tom [Greta]: My [nuts?]'s in the bathroom!

[Cut to a short time later.]

Joel [checking his watch]: Man, he's only got a couple more minutes left to be likeable. You think he can pull it off?
Crow: I doubt it.

[Mitchell emerges from the bathroom.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Man, that shower wasn't bad! Ah've been afraid of it all these years.

[Mitchell clambers face-down on his grimy, sweaty bed. He starts grinding his legs about]

Joel: Oh, wait a minute, would you stop that?
Crow: Eww, I can't watch this!
Tom: Oh, ugh.
Crow: I can't imagine why 'Mitchell 2' never came out.

[Greta emerges from the other room.]

Joel [Greta]: Mitchell, honey, time to get ready for school.

Greta: Mitchell?

Tom [Mitchell]: Grrumyurmm.

Greta: Can I come in with you?

Tom [Mitchell]: Chair over there folds out into a single.

Mitchell: Why you want to sleep with me for?

Crow: Yeah!

Mitchell: Nobody payin' you this time.

Tom [Greta]: I'm doing it on spec.

[Greta leans down to kiss Mitchell.]

Tom [Greta]: Do I smell pachyderms? Do you work with an orang-utang?

Mitchell [sniffing]: Grass. Yup, that's grass.

Joel: Oh, no wonder she's attracted to him. She's stoned!

[Mitchell gets up and, with a great deal of huffing and wheezing, heads for the kitchen.]

Mitchell: Oh boy.

Crow [Mitchell]: Where's your Cheech & Chong album?
Tom [Mitchell]: You got any Fruit Loops?
Crow [Greta]: God, I love him!

[Mitchell gets something from the trash can.]

Mitchell: Ah hah! Oh yeah. Uh huh.

Tom [Mitchell]: Urp, blurp. Grnn.

Mitchell: All right, let's get your coat.

[Mitchell grabs Greta by the arm and hauls off her off the bed. Freeze-frame as Hoyt Axton's 'Mitchell' song starts again.]

Joel: Oh, zero tolerance is so funny!
Tom: That's our Mitchell!

Hoyt: ...livin' the American dream/like the guys on the movie screen. Now mah mah mah mah Mitchell...

JOE DON BAKER Mitchell

MARTIN BALSAM James Arthur Cummins

JOHN SAXON Walter Deaney

LINDA EVANS Greta

MERLIN OLSEN Benton

MORGAN PAULL Salvatore Mistretta

HAROLD J STONE Tony Galano

Hoyt: ...what would your momma say?

Crow: She'd say 'He's not mine, you can't prove it!'

ROBERT PHILLIPS Chief Albert Pallin

BUCK YOUNG Detective Aldridge

RAYFORD BARNES Detective Tyzack

TODD BASS Child

JERRY HARDIN Desk Sergeant

LILYAN MacBRIDE Rich Lady

ROBIN NARKE Customs Officer

SIDNEY CLUTE Rudy Moran

Hoyt: ...carryin' on that way.

Joel: Yeah!

Hoyt: Crackin' in heads and jumpin' in and out of bed...

Joel: Oh, he sounds fun, doesn't he?

Hoyt: ...hangin' round the criminal scene...

CAROLE ESTES Prudence Lang

VICKY PETERS Helena Jackman

DUFFY HAMILTON Edmondo Bocca

JOHN ASHBY Burglar

BILL SULLIVAN Dan Townsend

JIM B SMITH Sergeant O'Hagen

CHARLES GLOVER Officer Danziger

CHARLES TAMBURRO Helicopter Pilot

All [to music]: Put 'em on your feet/give your dogs a treat/what a comfortable shoe!

GARY M COMBS Helicopter Officer

STAN STONE Sergeant

TOM LAWRENCE Bel Air Patrolman

ALAN GIBBS Mustang Hood

DICK ZIKER Alley Hoods PHIL ALTMAN

BOB ORRISON

GARY McLARTY Mistretta Hoods

PAUL NUCKLES

Hoyt: When they take a look at the record book...

Crow: The hood to the Mustang got a credit?

Hoyt: Catchin' the gang/the whole shebang...

associate producer H. T. MORRISON JR

assistant to producer DON ENRIGHT

production manager MARJORIE M. SEUSS

song: "MITCHELL" words and music by STEVE HOFFMAN LARRY BROWN and JERRY STYNER

sung by HOYT AXTON

Tom: Oh, Hoyt, how could you?

[The music suddenly goes all wobbly and speeds up for a few moments.]

Tom: Huh?
Joel: Hoyt, what happened?
Tom: Nitrous!

Hoyt: ...hangin' around...

production services arranged by FAI

color by TECHNICOLOR

photographed with PANAVISION equipment

sound by RYDER SOUND SERVICES INC

Crow: You know, Joe Don Baker would be perfect for 'Elvis: The Dying Days'.
Tom: Uh huh.

assistant director
JERRY ZIESMER
chief electrician
CLIFFORD HUTCHISON
key grip
TOM MAY
sound mixer
HERMAN LEWIS
camera operator
TIM VANIK
property master
MARTY WUNDERLICH

Hoyt: ...messin' with the ladies and beatin' on the bad guys...

script supervisor
MICHAEL PREECE
second assistant director
ANTHONY BRAND
special effects
CHUCK GASPAR
wardrobe
GLENN WRIGHT
production secretary
ELIZABETH ATKINSON
post production assistant
STEVEN GORE

Hoyt: ...quicker than a greased canoe...

Tom: Whoo-whooooooooooo! Now it's just stream of consciousness, he stopped singing about Mitchell about five minutes ago!
[They get up and leave.]
Joel [to music]: Boo-doo-bee-doooo!

set decorator
FRED PRICE
make up
DAVE GRAYSON
music editing
NORTON MUSIC INC
sound effects
NEIMAN-TILLAR ASSOCIATES
title design
WAYNE FITZGERALD

Hoyt: He's such a super dude, the American dream/like the guys on the movie screen.

an
ALLIED ARTISTS
release

[Joel leans back into shot for his last ever riff.]
Joel: Mitchell!