Thursday, December 3, 2009

Part 4

Part 4 of The Blair Mitch Project's MST3K MITCHELL transcribe



[Mitchell stands in the barren wasteland outside Mistretta's house.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Wait here. Oh, ah'm alone!

[Mistretta and Hood 1 stride purposefully down the drive.]

Crow [Italian]: We are two wild and-a crazy guys!
Joel [Mistretta]: Hey, we're the sons of the old lady you made get out of the car and walk!

Mistretta: Keys!

[Mitchell hands them over.]

Crow [sarcastic]: You're *welcome*.

[Mistretta opens the trunk. Mitchell grins like an idiot.]

Tom [Mitchell]: Ha huh ah huh huh.

Mistretta: Cummins says you're a cop.

Crow [Mitchell]: Well, that pretty much blows mah cover.

[Hood 1 pulls a gun. Mistretta opens the case.]

Tom [Mistretta]: Where's that green pantsuit?

Mistretta: He says you're the cop that keeps following him. He says to kill you. I think he's got a point. He's leaving on a boat out of Marina Del Ray. I'm gonna put your body on that boat, then call the coastguard.

Joel [Mitchell]: Okay, anything ah can do?

Mistretta: What made you come here alone?

Mitchell: Cummins said you were friendly people.

[Mistretta takes some 'coke' from the case and pulls back his top lip in a most alarming manner.]

[Crow makes angry dog noises.]

[Mistretta tastes the 'drug'.]

Tom [Mistretta]: Mmm, minty!

[Mistretta realises he's been had, and punches Mitchell.]

Mistretta: Okay, boy, where's the stuff?

Mitchell: Ah think ah hid it.

Mistretta: Where?

[He kicks Mitchell in one knee.]

{Everyone makes appreciative sounds.]

Mitchell: In a gas station outside the docks.

Mistretta: Get in.

[Hood 1 picks up Mitchell.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Could you kick mah other knee to balance it out?

[Mitchell ducks and sets fire to the hankie with his lighter.]

Mistretta: He lit the tank!

[Everyone runs. The car explodes.]

Joel: Oh, this must be 'Dateline NBC'.

[Shot of Hood 2.]

Joel [Hood 2]: Is that the signal?

[A helicopter approaches.]

Hood 2: The police! The police are coming! You hear me? The police are coming!

Tom: So, are the police coming?

[Mitchell gets up and runs off. Hoods 1 and 2 give chase.]

Joel [Mistretta]: Guys, let's take the ca- oh, yeah.

[Mistretta runs back to his house. Hood 1 fires a shot at Mitchell.]

Crow [of Hood 1]: Andy Kaufman!

[Big close-up of Hood 1.]

Crow [Hood 1]: You are so stupeed!

[Everything goes silent for a moment.]

Joel: Mitchell killed the sound!

[More running.]

Tom: They're going faster than that car chase!
Crow [Hood 1]: Come back, you are so stupeed!

[Mistretta jumps onto his motorbike.]

[More running and shooting.]

[Tom makes agonised gasping sounds as Mitchell runs.]
Crow: Now, isn't it against the rules to shoot an opponent in the foot race?

[Mistretta sets off on his motorbike.]

[Crow makes scooter noises.]

[Mitchell signals for help as the helicopter flies overhead.]

Mitchell: Hey!

Joel [Mitchell]: Taxi!

[Mitchell raises both arms in the air.]

Tom: Touchdown!

Mitchell: Heeeeyyyy!

[The helicopter drops a long, thin object.]

Joel: Oh, like a salami's going to help.

[It turns out to be a shotgun. Mitchell blows away Hood 1.]

Crow [Hood 1]: Tank you veddy much.

[Mitchell then blows away Hood 2.]

Joel: Mitchell!

[Mistretta comes tearing down the hill on his motorbike. Mitchell unaccountably throws down his shotgun and picks up Hood 1's gun.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Ah wanna see this one.

[Mistretta comes flying over a bank of earth. Mitchell shoots him and blows him off the bike.]

Joel: There went Bronson.

[The helicopter lands. An unknown man runs over the crest of the hill.]

Tom [man]: Hey, we're building over here-

[Mitchell shoots him.]

Tom [man]: Ugh!
Crow: Woah!

[Mitchell gets into the helicopter. The co-pilot helps him in.]

Tom [co-pilot, soothing]: C'mere, Mitchell.

Mitchell: Can you get to Marina Del Ray?

Joel [pilot]: Well, okay, are you a cop or what?
Tom [Mitchell]: What's that? Whaddya mean you don't have any Schlitz on board?

[The helicopter takes off.]


[Cummins' boat powers out to sea. Intercut with this are 'thrilling' shots of the helicopter flying.]

Crow: We got ta close da beaches!

[The helicopter banks sharply.]

Tom [pilot]: Mitchell, would you move over *please*? The *other* way!
Joel [Mitchell: Uh, could we turn on the radio?

[The 'cheesy corporate' music starts up again.]

Tom [announcer]: From maritime polymers for boats to the fuel in this helicopter - 3M, building the future!

[Overhead shot of Marina Del Ray and an oddly-shaped building.]

Joel: Hey, it's the starship Enterprise in drydock!

Co-pilot: We need to contact the marina. You got a description?

Crow [Mitchell]: Yeah, it's white and it's a boat!

Co-pilot: You know you're looking for the proverbial needle?

Mitchell: Let's try the harbourmaster!

Tom [announcer]: 3M! Innovation! Research!

Mitchell: He could be heading for Mexico. How can we stop him?

Co-pilot: Coastguard.

Mitchell: Reckon he could outrun the coastguard?

Co-pilot: Maybe.

Mitchell: Not good enough.

Joel [co-pilot]: Well, *you* fly this thing, then!

[They fly over loads of boats.]

Tom: There it- no, wait, I think that's the one- no, there it is-

[The helicopter comes in to land.]

Joel: It's the miracle acrylic bubble that makes it possible!
Crow [Mitchell]: Yeah, they call me mah-mah-mah-mah-Mitchell! Ah'm always bustin' heads, jumpin' in and out of bed... you?

[Mitchell gets out of the chopper and runs for a nearby building.]

Tom [pilot]: Mitchell, you should've thought of that before we left!
Joel: Mitchell goes as big as his life!

[Mitchell runs into the harbour master's office.]


[The boat cruises down the coast.]

Crow: Now this looks positively Baywatchian.
Tom: PT-90210.


[Mitchell comes running out again.]

Joel: All done!
Tom: All zipped up?

Mitchell: He's goin' down to Mexico in a white 35-footer! He's got a half-hour head start, so we gotta hustle.

Tom [Mitchell]: We're supposed to go to some place called the 'Pacific Ocean'. Said it's big and blue and it's got a lot of fish in it.

[The chopper takes off. More music.]

Tom: Yes, the future belongs to 3M!
Joel [of co-pilot]: Hey, is that Paul Hogan in the middle there?
Crow [Mitchell]: You guys get pretty good benefits?


[The boat, again.]

Tom: Boatniks II: The Final Conflict.
Crow [quietly]: Wakka-cha-wakka-cha...


[Mitchell scans the sea with some binoculars.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Hey, check this out - mah foot is huge!
Tom [Hogan]: Give me that!

Hogan: We got a problem, Mac - we got an hour's fuel. Eight miles, forty out, forty back. Twenty minutes, we'll be in Mexican territorial waters. No power to arrest anyone.

Mitchell: Too late for th' Coast Guard to arrest 'em?

Hogan: Right.

Crow: This is turning into an episode of 'Riptide'.

[A shot of Mitchell looking uninterested.]

Joel: Jimmy Osmond, all grown up.


[The boat. The 'Mitchell theme' starts up.]

Crow: On 'The People's Court!'

[Cummins sips a glass of whiskey.]

Tom: Martin Balsam - the Dewars' Profile.


[Mitchell points at a yellow thing on the side of the chopper.]

Mitchell: What's the yellow thing?

Tom [Mitchell]: It's been following us!

Hogan: It's the rescue system.

Mitchell: How long is the rope on this winch?

Hogan: Sixty feet!

Joel [Hogan]: Here, let me show you round the rest of the cabin!

[Mitchell unbuckles his seat belt.]

Mitchell: Hold her steady!

Crow [Hogan]: Quick Steve, hard bank turn, now!

[Mitchell starts to clamber out. Hogan stops him.]

Hogan: Whatever you want to do, I'll do it!

Crow [Mitchell]: Ah want to jump to mah death!

Mitchell: Tie this rope here to the front of that thing.

Hogan: Hang onto me!

Mitchell: Right!

[Mitchell grabs Hogan around his waist as he ties the rope.]

Tom [Hogan]: Mitchell, please, not here, honey!
Crow: What a great action hero, he just pawns off his duties on others.

Pilot: What's the idea?

Mitchell: You'll see.

Pilot: Just over the horizon, the Mexican border.

Tom: And it's all here at 3M's new facility in Mexico!

Mitchell: Just keep goin'!

Pilot: You got ten minutes to find that boat, Mac. We're at the halfway point on fuel, we'll have to turn back.

Tom: Harvesting the ocean's bounty, for the future!
Joel [of chopper's floats]: You think those are Schlitz cans?


[The boat. Again.]

Crow: Well, things'll work out okay, Mr Maxwell. Mr Maxwell? [k-splishhh!]


Mitchell: There she is!

Joel: Oh! So the helicopter's chasing the boat, and...
[The bots make 'ah, got it' noises.]

Mitchell: Lower it all the way down!

[Hogan climbs over and starts unfastening the yellow thing. Mitchell holds him again.]

Tom: Andrew's getting a little thick around the middle!
Joel [Mitchell]: Just tell me when this gets uncomfortable.

[The yellow thing is released.]

Tom: I'm huge!

[The yellow thing dangles below the chopper on the end of the rope.]

Crow: Awright, now jig it off the bottom!
Joel [Hogan]: Um, let's just not talk for a while.
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah still stand by the idea of the yellow thing!


[Cummins sees the approaching chopper.]

Joel [Cummins]: The hell?


[The helicopter doesn't seem to be operating at anything near maximum revs...]

Tom: Hey, check out the rotors!

[Rapid intercutting of the boat and the helicopter.]

Tom: Huh?
Crow: Wait...
Joel [exaggerated 'got it' tone]: Oh! I see.
Tom: Yeah!
Joel: Because the, and the...
Crow: The helicopter, and...

[Finally, the chopper and the boat are in the same shot! The yellow things gets closer and closer, and eventually smashes into the boat's top deck. Cummins and Benton dive for cover.]

Tom: Mitchell!

[The helicopter circles round again.]

Joel: You know, I think things were a lot easier when Mitchell was just sitting around outside Martin Balsam's house.

[Mitchell starts shooting at the boat. Benton shoots back.]

Tom: Ptoo! Ptweee! Ptang! Ptwaaeeeiii!

[Hogan leans out to take a shot, and immediately has a hole blown in his chest. He falls out of the helicopter into the sea.]

Crow [Hogan]: TellmywifeIloveherMitchelllllll!
Tom [Mitchell]: Well, y'are gonna lose a few.

Mitchell [yelling incoherently]: Takeanorrer passatim! I gorranidea!

Tom [Mitchell]: Borragorrarorra!


[Benton takes aim again.]

Joel [Benton]: Wow, I didn't think he'd be that mad.


Tom [pilot, sobbing]: He was my partner for seven years!

[The same shots of the helicopter swooping down appear again.]

Tom: So.
Joel: Well.
Crow: Looks like excitement by repetition!
Tom: It's the maritime equivalent of rock climbing.

[After a while, the yellow thing smashes into the boat again, knocking Benton back into the cabin.]

Crow [Cummins]: Oh, that's weird.

[Mitchell shimmies down the rope onto the boat.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Ow, stings, ow ow ow...
Tom [Cummins, unconcerned]: Oh. What a mess.
Joel: I could never do that in gym class.

[Benton stirs in the cabin.]

Crow [Benton]: I dreamed I was Father Murphy.

[The chopper flies off, dragging the yellow thing behind it. Benton gets up.]

Tom: Guys? Wasn't John Saxon in this movie?
Crow: Oh, yeah!

[Benton emerges from the cabin, and Mitchell smashes a plank over his head from above.]

Joel: Mitchell!

[Benton drops his gun. Mitchell and Benton both grab for it. Benton slams Mitchell into the cabin wall.]

Tom [Cummins]: Take the roughhousing outside!

[Mitchell flails vaguely in Benton's direction, and he goes down.]

Crow [Benton]: Somebody kinda hit me somewhere!

[Mitchell tries to climb onto the top deck. Benton grabs him, drags him back and throws him on the floor.]

Joel: Come here, go away, come here, go away... it's a pattern with them!
Tom: These Circle Line tours are getting really brutal!

[Cummins slams the cabin door.]

Crow: We're closed!

[Benton gets a gun from the top deck, but Mitchell wraps a rope around his neck. Benton elbows him in the groin a couple of times.]

Crow: Oooh, right in the dinghy!
Tom: Ouch.

[Benton keeps hammering Mitchell.]

Joel [Benton]: This is for the soup remark!

[Benton punches Mitchell so hard he flies right over the guardrail onto the deck below. Benton jumps after him.]

Tom: Mannix, extra-large!

[Mitchell grabs a boat hook as Benton goes for his gun. Mitchell hooks Benton's foot and pulls him over.]

Tom: Oh, vaudeville!

[Mitchell then whacks Benton in the stomach with the hook and tugs at it.]

Joel: Or not.
Bots: Eww!

[Covered in blood, Benton gets up and charges at Mitchell.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Here, let me tuck your intestines back in here, heh...
Tom: And there on his colon was a hook.

[Benton gives Mitchell a bloody nose, and not before time. We then get a big closeup of Benton as his eyes roll up into his head.]

Joel: Well, let's see. I see Van Morrison, I see Meatloaf, and Spaaaahhhhkkk...

[Benton gives up the ghost and falls overboard.]

Tom: So long, *chum*! Ha ha ha!
[Crow giggles.]

[In the cabin, Cummins checks a revolver, then gets a bag out of a cupboard.]

Joel: He refrigerates his bowling bag?

[He gets an automatic from a drawer as well.]

Crow [Cummins]: Nah, this one's better.
Tom [Cummins, singsong]: Out in a miiin-ute, Mitchell, I'm taking a shoooow-errr...

[On the deck, Mitchell rips out the boat's fuel lines, stalling the engine.]

Crow [Cummins, of decor in cabin]: Either those curtains go or I do.

[The boat is drifting in the ocean.]

Tom: Dead Calm.
Crow: Dead clam.

[Cummins waits nervously in the cabin.]

Tom [Cummins, loudly]: Mmm, boy, this sure is good boo-oooze! Captain Schlitz, I think your order's up!

Cummins: Benton?

Crow: Harbour, Michigan!

Cummins: Benton!

[Tom starts doing the 'Jaws' theme.]
Joel [Cummins, bored]: Nah, I'll make sandwiches.

[Cummins picks up both his guns.]

Crow [Jimmy Cagney]: You'll never take me alive, coppers!

Cummins: Hey, Mitchell!

Tom [Mitchell]: Yeah - oh, damn!

Cummins: Very impressive! Very smart, Mitchell! You know that you and me have over a million dollars here? You hear me? Over a million dollars right here in a bag! You don't have to be a pig for the rest of your life, Mitchell!

Crow [Mitchell]: Well, ah kinda do!

Cummins: Hey, Mitchell! You're smart enough for something better!

Tom: Oh, yo' smart 'nuff, Mitchell!

Cummins: Half a million bucks! Take a look at it!

Joel [Cummins, goofy]: Oh, you'll like it! Huh huh!

[Cummins opens the cabin door. No sign of Mitchell.]

Tom [Cummins]: Let's rip off the last scenes from 'Key Largo', Mitchell!

Cummins: I'm throwing it out!

[He tosses the bag onto the deck.]

Crow [Cummins]: Grab anything frilly outta there you want!

Cummins: Why don't we talk about it, Mitchell? Here's my gun!

[He tosses one of the guns down by the bag.]

Cummins: No reason to fight! We're smart, we'll both be okay!

Joel [Cummins]: Okay, I'm gonna start taking off my clothes! You better stop me!

[Cummins cautiously steps out onto the deck.]

Crow: Counsellor!

[Mitchell shoots him in the back with an M-16 rifle.]

Crow [Cummins]: So the deal's off, then?
Joel: I think it was one of those effects too expensive to show.
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah'll never grow old, ah'll never die, an' ah'll always eat oatmeal.


[Mitchell blunders back to his squalid flat. A dog barks.]

Crow: Mr Roper? You home?
Joel: Mitchell - licenced to slouch.
Tom: Huh. Y'know, it's about this time in any killing spree that you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.
Crow: Yup.
Bots: Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...
Joel: Guys, come on.
Tom [whispers]: Do the deed, do it!

[Mitchell creeps up to his door and takes out his gun.]

Tom [sings]: Mah, mah, mah, mah 'partment...
Crow [Mitchell]: Ah'd knock, but ah know ah'm not home.
Joel [Mitchell]: Man, ah love pullin' mah gun when ah go into mah own apartment. Scares mah cats half to death!

[Mitchell bursts through his door and crouches, waving his gun around.]

Tom: Well, no-one's disturbed his porn pile...

[Greta is asleep in his bed. Mitchell drags her out.]

Mitchell: Out!

Crow: Huh?

Mitchell: Face the bed! Freeze!

Joel [Greta]: Yanni, you're home!

[Mitchell whips open a closet door and aims his gun inside.]

Joel [Mitchell]: Okay, clothes, hold it right there!
Tom: That was close.
Crow [Mitchell]: All right, John Tesh, ah know you're in here!
Tom [Mitchell]: All right, kitchen, freeze!

[Mitchell staggers into another room and turns on the light.]

All: Surprise! Happy birthday to you, happy...

[Greta, her hands on her head, watches.]

Tom: Not a thought in her head.
Joel [Mitchell]: So, how was your day?

Greta: You get a kick out of this kind of thing?

Tom [Mitchell]: It has its moments.

Mitchell: How'd you get in here?

Greta: Through the door.

Mitchell: It was locked.

[Greta picks up a key.]

Tom: She had a key!

Greta: Can I put my hands down now?

Mitchell: What happened to the kitchen?

Greta: I had to eat!

[The kitchen is a mess.]

Crow [Mitchell]: What, d'ya have Mickey Rourke over or somethin'?

Mitchell: Oh, my, huh. You could've at least washed the dishes.

Greta: There's no machine.

Mitchell: Where ah come from you wash in the sink and you dry it with a cloth. Try it before you leave.

Joel: Yeah, well, where you come from beer's an entree.

[Mitchell goes into the bathroom and slams the door.]

Greta: Hey!

Tom [Greta]: My [nuts?]'s in the bathroom!

[Cut to a short time later.]

Joel [checking his watch]: Man, he's only got a couple more minutes left to be likeable. You think he can pull it off?
Crow: I doubt it.

[Mitchell emerges from the bathroom.]

Crow [Mitchell]: Man, that shower wasn't bad! Ah've been afraid of it all these years.

[Mitchell clambers face-down on his grimy, sweaty bed. He starts grinding his legs about]

Joel: Oh, wait a minute, would you stop that?
Crow: Eww, I can't watch this!
Tom: Oh, ugh.
Crow: I can't imagine why 'Mitchell 2' never came out.

[Greta emerges from the other room.]

Joel [Greta]: Mitchell, honey, time to get ready for school.

Greta: Mitchell?

Tom [Mitchell]: Grrumyurmm.

Greta: Can I come in with you?

Tom [Mitchell]: Chair over there folds out into a single.

Mitchell: Why you want to sleep with me for?

Crow: Yeah!

Mitchell: Nobody payin' you this time.

Tom [Greta]: I'm doing it on spec.

[Greta leans down to kiss Mitchell.]

Tom [Greta]: Do I smell pachyderms? Do you work with an orang-utang?

Mitchell [sniffing]: Grass. Yup, that's grass.

Joel: Oh, no wonder she's attracted to him. She's stoned!

[Mitchell gets up and, with a great deal of huffing and wheezing, heads for the kitchen.]

Mitchell: Oh boy.

Crow [Mitchell]: Where's your Cheech & Chong album?
Tom [Mitchell]: You got any Fruit Loops?
Crow [Greta]: God, I love him!

[Mitchell gets something from the trash can.]

Mitchell: Ah hah! Oh yeah. Uh huh.

Tom [Mitchell]: Urp, blurp. Grnn.

Mitchell: All right, let's get your coat.

[Mitchell grabs Greta by the arm and hauls off her off the bed. Freeze-frame as Hoyt Axton's 'Mitchell' song starts again.]

Joel: Oh, zero tolerance is so funny!
Tom: That's our Mitchell!

Hoyt: ...livin' the American dream/like the guys on the movie screen. Now mah mah mah mah Mitchell...


MARTIN BALSAM James Arthur Cummins

JOHN SAXON Walter Deaney



MORGAN PAULL Salvatore Mistretta


Hoyt: ...what would your momma say?

Crow: She'd say 'He's not mine, you can't prove it!'

ROBERT PHILLIPS Chief Albert Pallin

BUCK YOUNG Detective Aldridge

RAYFORD BARNES Detective Tyzack


JERRY HARDIN Desk Sergeant


ROBIN NARKE Customs Officer


Hoyt: ...carryin' on that way.

Joel: Yeah!

Hoyt: Crackin' in heads and jumpin' in and out of bed...

Joel: Oh, he sounds fun, doesn't he?

Hoyt: ...hangin' round the criminal scene...

CAROLE ESTES Prudence Lang

VICKY PETERS Helena Jackman




JIM B SMITH Sergeant O'Hagen

CHARLES GLOVER Officer Danziger


All [to music]: Put 'em on your feet/give your dogs a treat/what a comfortable shoe!

GARY M COMBS Helicopter Officer


TOM LAWRENCE Bel Air Patrolman

ALAN GIBBS Mustang Hood



GARY McLARTY Mistretta Hoods


Hoyt: When they take a look at the record book...

Crow: The hood to the Mustang got a credit?

Hoyt: Catchin' the gang/the whole shebang...

associate producer H. T. MORRISON JR

assistant to producer DON ENRIGHT

production manager MARJORIE M. SEUSS


sung by HOYT AXTON

Tom: Oh, Hoyt, how could you?

[The music suddenly goes all wobbly and speeds up for a few moments.]

Tom: Huh?
Joel: Hoyt, what happened?
Tom: Nitrous!

Hoyt: ...hangin' around...

production services arranged by FAI


photographed with PANAVISION equipment


Crow: You know, Joe Don Baker would be perfect for 'Elvis: The Dying Days'.
Tom: Uh huh.

assistant director
chief electrician
key grip
sound mixer
camera operator
property master

Hoyt: ...messin' with the ladies and beatin' on the bad guys...

script supervisor
second assistant director
special effects
production secretary
post production assistant

Hoyt: ...quicker than a greased canoe...

Tom: Whoo-whooooooooooo! Now it's just stream of consciousness, he stopped singing about Mitchell about five minutes ago!
[They get up and leave.]
Joel [to music]: Boo-doo-bee-doooo!

set decorator
make up
music editing
sound effects
title design

Hoyt: He's such a super dude, the American dream/like the guys on the movie screen.


[Joel leans back into shot for his last ever riff.]
Joel: Mitchell!

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