[Mitchell's car is outside Deaney's place.]
Joel: Oh, that was fun!
Radio despatcher: Come in, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Log this report, timed, uh...
Tom [depatcher]: Er, Mitchell, hello?
Mitchell: 24:17 hours. Ah'm at the Deaney residence, ah'm putting my gun in the glove compartment and locking it.
Joel [Mitchell]: Oh, and ah just had a French dip.
Radio despatcher: Car 55, what's that supposed to mean? 55?
Mitchell: If ah'm shot in the next couple of hours, ah was unarmed when it happened. Log it. 55 out.
Crow [Mitchell]: Speakin' of logging it, ah'd better find a bush around here.
[Music starts up. Mitchell gets out of his car and wanders across the road.]
Tom [to beat]: Mitchell! Mitchell! Mitchell! Mitchell? [gets bored as nothing happens] Mitchell... Mitchell.
[Mitchell stands by Deaney's gate, looking not the least bit suspicious at all, honest. A car goes past.]
Joel: Hey, hi, Mitchell!
Crow [Mitchell]: Go about your business.
Tom: Honk honk! Hey, Mitchell!
Joel [Mitchell]: Shhhh!
[Mitchell climbs clumsily over the gate.]
[Everyone makes howling dog noises and car alarm sounds.]
[Mitchell clomps through Deaney's front yard.]
Joel [falsetto]: Honey, Mitchell's here.
Crow [Mitchell]: Oh, woah! Is that a beer?
[Mitchell reaches the front door.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Pain in mah chest, mah hand's tinglin'! Oooh.
Joel [Mitchell]: Oh shoot, a door! Ah didn't plan on this!
[Mitchell rings the doorbell, then runs and hides.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Oh man, ah love this! Ah got soap, ah got dog poopie...
Tom: This week's practical joke - the victim, John Saxon!
[Nobody answers. Mitchell runs through the garage to the back lawn.]
[Tom makes more hideous gasping noises.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Man, if ah could just sit on a lawn chair for five minutes, that's all ah need...
Crow: Wow, what a clean garage! No bikes, sleds, or oil spots...
[Mitchell peers through Deaney's back windows.]
Tom: Do you know who did it? Have you figured it out yet?
[The music does some strange flute scales. Tom whistles along.]
Joel [falsetto]: Er, Mitchell, do you want to come in?
[Crow makes whining dog noises.]
[Mitchell reaches the back door. The broken pane has been covered with tin foil. Mitchell punches through it.]
Tom [Arnie voice]: Liquid metal.
Joel: Reynolds Wrap! Keeps freshness in, can't keep Mitchell out!
Tom [singing to music]: Oooh, you're a holi-daaay...
[Big closeup of Mitchell's beefy face.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Huh. Well. That's mah plan.
[Mitchell goes to the room where Mathis was shot. There are several ornamental plates stacked on a shelf.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Ah smell crab dip!
Crow: Melmac? Why would he be collecting Melmac?
Tom [Mitchell]: An empty plate. Breaks mah heart.
[Mitchell looks at the white outline on the floor.]
Crow: Keith Haring was here!
[Mitchell lies down on the outline.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Uhh, ahhhh, try for a quick forty winks here.
[Mitchell finds that Mathis's outstretched arm is several inches lower than his own.]
Tom: And the victim was Jack Valente!
[Deaney appears at the window looking in, sneering.]
Joel [Deaney]: *What* are you doing, Mitchell?
Crow [of music]: Why are they playing 'Nadia's Theme'?
Tom: They're young and restless.
[Mitchell 'brilliantly' works out that Mathis couldn't have reached Deaney's gun collection because he was too short.]
Tom: That's a 'reach', huh?
[A car goes past. Mitchell spots Deaney lurking in the doorway with a gun.]
Crow [Deaney]: Just browsing.
[Mitchell jumps and runs off.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Booger!
[Seventies action music starts up.]
Joel and Crow [to music]: Mitchell! Mitchell! Mitchell!
Tom [sings]: Ryyyyyyye on the sammich!
Joel and Crow: Mitchell!
Tom [sings]: Heart's pounding!
Joel and Crow: Mitchell!
Tom [sings]: Veins clogging!
[Mitchell runs to the gate and climbs over it.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Oh man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!
[Mitchell gets into his car and drives off, leaving Deaney glaring at him through the gate.]
Crow [Deaney]: The cloistered life is not for me.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
[Mitchell is with Tyzack. Pallin enters and grabs a piece of paper from Tyzack.]
Crow [Pallin]: Would you give me that!
Tom [Pallin]: We can't name a series after you, sorry.
Joel [of Pallin]: Hey, he looks like a guy from a Dave Berg cartoon.
Pallin: What in the hell are you up to?
Pallin: What did I tell you? I told you to forget Deaney! Do you know who he is?
Mitchell: Yeah, he's a trade union lawyer.
Pallin: And I gave you a direct order to stay forget him. Now why'd I give you that order?
Crow [Pallin]: And none of that "I don't know"!
Pallin: I'm gonna tell you why. Every federal law violation in the book-
Tom [ad voice]: *Every* federal law violation!
Pallin: -and they're throwing it at Deaney and his trade union. They've been working on this thing for two years! Now in the meantime, you get back out there on Cummins and stay with him. Deaney is FBI property.
Mitchell: Right, Pallin.
Joel [Pallin]: Find my upper lip while you're out there!
INT. MITCHELL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
[Nice place. Sofa bed, shelves on breezeblocks, cans of Schlitz and scattered porn.]
Crow: Hee hee! A little peek into Mitchell's life.
[Mitchell is looking through case photos. The doorbell rings.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Damn, it's almost time for Bozo.
[Mitchell gathers up the photos, revealing a half-eaten pie.]
Joel: Yeah, go for the gusto, Mitchell!
[Mitchell answers the door.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Is that you, maw?
Crow: Bo Derek!
Mitchell: Hi there.
Greta: I'm Greta.
Joel: Well, Linda Evans actually.
Tom [Greta]: I'm selling Yanni tapes.
[Mitchell puts his gun in his waistband.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Uh, just got to adjust mah roscoe here.
Mitchell: Come on in.
Crow [Mitchell]: Where's John Derek? Shall we set another place for him?
[The camera pans up from her black boots to her long black coat.]
Joel: Uncle Fester?
Mitchell: Somethin' to drink?
Greta: What do you have?
Mitchell: Beer and, uh, vodka.
Crow [Mitchell]: You like 'em half empty? Some of 'em got cigarettes in 'em.
Tom [of music]: This is so embarrassing, he's playing a Kitaro album!
Joel [Mitchell]: Sorry about the porn, there's a Kilgore Trout piece in there.
[Greta sits down and picks up Mitchell's porn mag.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah wouldn't sit there, other side please...
Crow [Mitchell]: Uh, there's some chips under the cushion, help yourself.
[Greta holds up the porn mag as Mitchell brings the beer.]
Greta: Don't you think I'm as good as anything in here?
Tom [Mitchell]: Well, you got an airbrush on you?
[Mitchell offers her a can of beer.]
Greta: You've got me wrong, I'd like a glass.
Joel [Mitchell]: Huh, okay, your majesty.
Tom [Mitchell]: Got these at Conoco. They got Dick Butkus on them.
[Mitchell pours her a beer. It froths and splatters foam on her leg.]
Mitchell: Oh, Want a towel?
Crow [Greta]: No, I'll use the curtains.
Greta: Want to lick it off?
Joel: Absolutely *not*!
Tom: Well, she was going to smell like beer sooner or later.
Mitchell: Sorry, beer got a little excited.
Crow [Greta]: That's okay, we can just cuddle.
[Something moves inside Mitchell's pants.]
Joel [horrified]: What!?
[It's his gun, which drops out of the bottom of his flares.]
[Mitchell picks it up and looks embarrassed.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Sorry, ah'm a really unappealing man.
Crow [Mitchell]: So. More beer?
EXT. PARK - DAY
[Two big-ass 1970s cars are parked by the grass. Galano's driver opens the door for Cummins.]
Joel [sings]: It's Bugsy Malone...
Crow: That's great!
[An out-of-sync car door sound is heard.]
Crow: What was that?
[The same noise occurs when the driver closes the door.]
[Benton wanders into shot and leans on the car.]
Crow: Oh, they're taking the boys to playgroup.
[Benton looks at the other driver, who's wearing the same hat as him.]
Crow [Benton, sarcastic]: Nice cap.
[Cummins goes to sit by Galano on a bench.]
Tom [sings]: Mobsters laughing, really smiling/a man selling heroin...
Joel [spy style]: Uh, the spotted cuckoo bird is flying backwards?
Crow [spy style]: It's a cold day for pontooning.
[Mitchell watches from his car.]
Cummins: Hello, Mr Galano.
[Galano speaks with a heavy Italian accent, looped very badly.]
Galano: Last night, I had to come to my home, Salvadore was there, my cousin.
Crow [Galano]: Because I'm-a Italian, you know.
Galano: He has a complaint against you.
Crow [Galano]: Did I-a tell you I'm Italian? Let-a me restate that!
Cummins: He's a punk. Who convinced you to finance that hijack? If you want drugs you can grow them, you can buy them.
Joel: Hey, where's Ruth Buzzi?
Cummins: But stealing them's greedy.
Galano: May I remind you of something?
Tom [Galano]: I'm-a from Italy!
Galano: In August 1963, you, me, some others, we had a very fine meeting.
[Huge close-up of Galano's face.]
Crow: He was hastily put together, wasn't he?
Galano: In which we allowed you influence in this area, in exchange for certain assignments to be handled by you.
Galano: That was very generous, yes?
Galano: Now it's your turn.
Joel [Galano, sings]: To be what-a you can be...
Galano: You will take delivery of Salvadore's shipment through your contact at the port, okay?
Cummins: I am not bringing that shipment in, and that's final.
Tom: Doodleydoodleydoop! The shipment's in!
[Cummins gets up and leaves.]
Joel [Cummins]: Yup, well, time for my step aerobics class.
Crow [Benton]: Gee, boss, you really did great, your personal skills are sometin'.
[Another close-up of Galano, absolutely expressionless.]
Tom [Galano, unhappy]: Hold it in, hold it...
Joel [Galano]: I'm almost Anthony Quinn.
[Benton closes the car door for Cummins, then gets in himself. Mitchell gets ready to follow.]
Crow: Was Merlin ever in the Dave Clark Five?
[Cummins' car sets off, Mitchell pulling out behind him.]
Tom [announcer]: It was a big time, when big men drove nothing but huge Ford cars!
[Benton sees Mitchell following, pulls over and sounds his horn. Mitchell pulls in behind.]
Joel: Honey, I'm home! Had that meeting with the gangster!
Crow: Mitchell is one of the great followers.
[Cummins gets out and goes to Mitchell's window.]
Cummins: Mitchell, I made a decision about you. I got a lot of things on my mind at the moment and you're too heavy to carry.
Mitchell: Ah'm sorry you feel that way, Mr Cummins.
Tom: He's heavy.
Cummins: I do. Now are you going to get lost or not?
Mitchell: Well ah'd like to, but there's some questions ah got to-
Cummins: You're saying no.
Mitchell: Ah'm saying no.
Cummins: Just thought I'd give you the chance.
Tom [Mitchell]: That was sweet, he didn't have to do that. Thanks!
[Cummins gets back into his car, which sets off. Mitchell follows.]
Joel [Benton]: Say boss, you think Mitchell likes me?
Crow [Cummins]: Shut up and drive.
Cummins: Is your friend ready?
Benton: Yes sir, he's ready.
Joel: Who, Rosie Greer?
[And so begins cinema's slowest car chase.]
Tom: This is what I'll remember when I think of the movie 'Mitchell'. And I *will* think of it.
[The two cars go round a corner very slowly, Mitchell's car about ten feet behind.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Oh, wait, ah lost him! No, there he is.
Joel: Mitchell. Even his name says 'Is that a beer?'
[Benton indicates to go around a corner.]
Crow [amused]: Well you know, they're easy to follow when they use their turn signal!
Joel: Man, why don't they just tie their bumpers together?
Tom: You know, it's not an official chase scene without the 'wakka-cha-wakka'.
[The cars go up an on-ramp onto a freeway.]
Crow: Hot merging action!
[Tom starts whispering 'wakka-cha-wakka' under his breath.]
Joel: Oh, goodness, they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.
Tom: Jeez, these guys couldn't shake a trolley!
Crow: This makes 'Driving Miss Daisy' look like 'Bullitt'!
Joel: Next week on 'Mitchell' - the cloverleaf!
[The vaguely suspenseful music suddenly turns into what can only be described as 'corporate cheesy'.]
Tom [announcer]: And today, 3M is a vibrant company, combining innovation, effective risk management and marketing. 3M!
Joel: Oh boy, they're travelling at speeds of up to 25 miles per hour!
Crow: I've seen faster funeral processions!
Tom: The only exciting thing is that 'Vanishing Point' is being filmed over the other side of the canyon.
[A red Mustang joins the 'chase'.]
Joel [Minnesotan]: Oh this is nice, they're using the light 'Rockford' for the chase scene instead of the grunge sound.
Tom [Minnesotan]: I like the light 'Rockford', yah.
Crow: Oh finally, the chase scene's pace car!
[The three cars trundle up a dirt road.]
Tom: Yes, the Lincoln Continental, perfect for off-road excitement!
Crow [Benton]: I can't shake him, boss! Here, I'll lightly touch the brake and then accelerate.
[Mitchell spots the Mustang in his mirror.]
Joel: Hey, get out of our chase scene!
Tom: The vicious Mustang culls the weak ones from the herd.
[The Mustang overtakes Mitchell.]
Crow [Mustang driver]: Hey, are you Mitchell? Can I not have your autograph?
[Mitchell and the Mustang jockey for position.]
Joel: Well, so pass if you're gonna! Come on!
Tom: 'Scuse me, may I cut in? May I have this chase?
[Cummins looks on through his rear window.]
Joel: Er, do you have *any* facial expressions?
Crow [Cummins]: Ha ha, this is fun! Ha!
[Shot of the Mustang driver.]
Joel: Larry Miller!
Tom: Why does he keep downshifting if it's an automatic?
[The Mustang bangs into the side of Mitchell's car, breaking a headlight.]
Tom: It's like a hot-rod 'Ben-Hur'.
Joel [Mustang driver]: Yeah, as a matter of fact I *do* own the road!
Crow: Hey, the headlight fixed itself!
[Ahead, a bulldozer chugs across the road. If you watch closely, you can see that the film is reversed and the 'dozer is sucking exhaust fumes back into itself. The *hell*?]
Tom [bulldozer driver, goofy]: Wohay, it's Mitchell!
[Mitchell's car and the Mustang pass on opposite sides of the bulldozer, averting any potential thrills.]
Crow: Your thing is dragging!
[The cars bang into each other again.]
Joel: Mitchell! Miller!
[Mitchell's car goes off the road and down an embankment.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Ah know a little shortcut down - oh.
[The car crashes into a ditch on its side.]
[Mitchell pulls himself out through the window.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Uh, shouldn't we exchange information?
Tom [Mitchell]: Woah, that shook up the beers pretty bad.
[Twangy guitar music starts up.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Hey, cut out that 'Rockford' music! Ah'm Mitchell!
[Mitchell slumps over his car roof.]
Tom [deflated]: Mitchell!
EXT. MORAN'S HOUSE - DAY
[Moran is by the pool, which has a bar beside it. Various flunkeys and bimbos are wandering around.]
Joel: Hey, it's a booze pool!
Tom [falsetto]: I'll have a vodka chlorine, please.
INT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY
[Cummins puts the call on speakerphone. The scene intercuts between the two of them as they speak.]
Cummins: I got pressure.
Moran: Who's pushing?
Moran: Mistretta? You can handle him.
Cummins: Well, there are problems.
Moran: Unless of course he's backed by Galano.
Cummins: You got it.
Moran: Then what the hell are you calling me for?
Joel: I'm getting dizzy.
Crow: Me too.
Cummins: Well, I'll tell you it's about a little discussion between me and Mistretta.
Crow: Or Galano.
Moran: I'll give you a short answer, Cummins.
Moran: You'll get the same answer off any of the boys. If Galano's involved-
Crow: Or Mistretta.
Moran: -they don't want any part of it.
Crow: Or Galano.
[Moran slams the phone down.]
Tom [Moran]: That was Mistretta.
Cummins: Well, this is all going to blow up pretty soon. And when it does, who we got on our side?
[They get up and leave.]
Cummins: That guy Mitchell, if he's still around.
Benton: He's not on our side, sir.
Cummins: Yes he is. I'm no good to him dead.