an ESSEX ENTERPRISES LTD production
Crow: Hey, look, a sex film!
[Huge unreadable block letters start to slide across the screen.]
JOE DON BAKER
Joel: 'Mittens'? An action film called 'Mittens'?
Crow: Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens. He's a cop.
Tom: Is it 'Mithril'?
MARTIN BALSAM
Tom: Oh, wait, it's 'Mitchell'!
Crow: The Martha Mitchell story?
Tom: Joe Don Baker *is* Martha Mitchell.
JOHN SAXON
[The crew start to bop in their seats as the funktastic Seventies theme music kicks in. A blurry picture of Joe Don Baker appears in the letters.]
Crow: It's Bigfoot!
MITCHELL
Tom [a la 'Shaft']: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
All: Mitchell!
Tom: That Mitchell is one fat-
Joel: Shut your mouth!
Tom: Hey, I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
also starring LINDA EVANS
Crow: Looks like Grendel.
Joel: Hey, Linda Evans? That was her pre-Yanni days.
Tom: Before her face was pulled taut.
MORGAN PAULL
HAROLD J STONE
[The picture of Mitchell in the letters starts to move *real* slow, becoming even more blurry.]
Joel: Looks kinda like a slow-motion sneeze.
and MERLIN OLSEN as Benton
Crow: Yeah, here's your Loser Actor bouquet!
[The music goes up-tempo and even more Seventies.]
music composed and conducted by LARRY BROWN & JERRY STYNE
Tom: Any movie with 'wakka-cha-wakka' is okay by me.
Joel & Crow [in background]: Wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka-cha-wakka...
Tom [sings]: It was the third of September/the day I'll always remember...
[The wakka-cha-wakkas continue throughout the whole credit sequence.]
edited by FRED A CHULAK
director of photography HARRY STRADLING asc
[In the stills, Mitchell raises his arms above his head.]
Crow: Never corner a Mitchell, see how he reacts?
Joel: Looks like he's doing a Nixon.
executive producer BENJAMIN MELINER
Tom: He looks like a middle-aged Chucky.
Crow: He looks like the wrathful Buddha.
Tom: He looks like the Moon in 'A Trip To The Moon'.
written by IAN KENNEDY MARTIN
Tom [Mitchell]: Man, I can't get mah arms down.
produced by R BEN EFRAM
Crow: Now he looks like a small-mouthed bass.
Tom: Now he looks like he's in a wind tunnel!
directed by ANDREW V MCLAGLEN
Joel: Um... maybe he's doing Tai Chi or something.
Crow [funky voice]: Mitchell's on a corner.
[The credits end abruptly with Mitchell throwing a rock in slo-mo.]
All: Mitchell!
EXT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[A very slow pan across a deserted house and garden.]
Tom: Eegah...
Crow: Shtemlow.
Joel [muffled]: Watch out for snakes!
Tom: We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture.
Crow [British]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please.
Joel [sings]: The lunatic is on the grass...
[A burglar runs to the fence and climbs it.]
Tom: Johnny Nash breaks into a suburban home. Mitchell!
Joel: Hey, it's one of the kids from Fame!
Tom: Which one?
Joel: Any of 'em.
[The burglar's face comes into view for the first time.]
Crow: Johnny Mathis!
Tom [sings]: It's not for me to say...
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
[A big black limosine is prowling through the streets of LA.]
Joel: The Green Hornet.
INT. LIMO - NIGHT
[Walter Deaney, some other guy with a moustache and two hookers are in the back of the car.]
Hooker 1: This little thing, she can't be more than sixteen. Every time she gives me a manicure, she tells me she's having a different affair. And she tells me everything. I mean, all the real hot and juicy details. I can't even keep my fingers still!
Crow: Must be a faculty meeting.
Deaney: Shut up. I'm thinking.
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Mathis smashes a window pane in the back door and unlocks it, then enters, shutting the door behind him.]
Crow: Looks like he's breaking *out* of his house.
Joel: Al Nougha?
Tom: No, still Johnny Mathis.
Crow: Oh, yeah, close it and lock it. You don't want anyone coming in.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
[The limo wallows round a corner.]
Crow: *Doctor* Detroit!
Joel: With songs by Devo! Cutting Crew! And Haircut One Hundred!
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Mathis is going through Deaney's stuff.]
Tom [sings]: I say to myself it's wonderful...
Joel: A picture of Mo Connelly?
Tom: No, not the limited edition 'Star Trek' collector plates!
[Mathis finds a gun cabinet.]
Joel: Hey, Lucas McCain lives here!
EXT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[The limo enters the drive. Automatic gates close behind it.[
Crow [goofy announcer voice]: They're on a collision course to wackiness! Hoo hoo!
[The occupants of the limo are having drinks.]
Tom: All right, last call, finish 'em up. Hic!
Crow [drunk]: Less' not talk.
[They get out of the car and head for the house.]
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Mathis finds a TV in a cabinet.]
Joel [Mathis, excited]: Hey! [disappointed] Oh, a Goldstar.
[Deaney ushers his pal and the two hookers inside, taking off the womens' coats.]
Tom [Deaney]: Move it along, please.
Crow: Should I tell her?
Deaney: Ladies, you know where everything is? I want you to exercise the bottomless resources of your imagination.
Joel [hooker]: Uh, can I have a lamp?
Deaney: Surprise me. The way you always do. Come on, Bill, let's get some juice.
Crow [Deaney]: Fresh panties all around.
[Deaney and his pal leave the room.]
Tom [Deaney, goofy]: Huh, might be able to kiss her tonight, you know.
Hooker 2: Who the hell does he think I am, an acrobat?
[Back to Deaney and 'tache-man.]
Crow [Deaney]: And she's an acrobat, Ted!
[Deaney spots Mathis' torchlight in his living room.]
Tom: Santa?
Joel: Wait a minute, I think maybe the Snoop Sisters are in there!
Crow [Deaney]: I'm going to get a series before Stuart Margolin.
[Deaney spots the burglar.]
Tom [Deaney]: All right, Johnny Mathis! Get my gun!
Joel: Well you know, it's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild.
[Deaney gets a gun from a convenient drawer.]
Tom: Some clean underwear... ah!
Crow: Hey, a gunderoo.
[Deaney follows his pal to a nearby control box.]
Joel [guy]: Psst! Hey, don't shoot me, the *burglar*!
Crow [hooker]: So, are we going to play bridge?
Deaney: We've got ourselves a fish to hunt! Shhh!
[He pushes a button on the control box.]
Joel: Ah, hello, this is Carlton your doorman.
[A wooden screen closes across the corridor.]
Crow: Cedar lattice, works every time.
[Mathis looks up in surprise at the sound.]
Tom [sings]: Chances are- huh?
Joel [Mathis]: If that's John Saxon, I'm dead.
[Mathis comes to investigate. Deaney hides round a corner with his gun ready.]
Tom [hooker]: Sonny, are we like bait?
[Mathis starts peeking through the lattice door.]
Crow: We're closed!
Tom [Mathis, scared]: Oooh, maybe I should get back to work...
[Mathis runs. Deaney jumps out and takes aim.]
Deaney: Hey!
Joel [Mathis]: What?
[Deaney shoots him through the heart.]
Joel [Mathis]: Oh.
EXT. STREETS - NIGHT
[An LAPD patrol car is driving along.]
Tom: Meanwhile, on an Adam-12 episode not far away...
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT
[A radio is directing the uniformed cops driving to go to the scene of a possible DV, whatever that is. Mitchell is slumped on the back seat, looking hung over and half-asleep.]
Joel: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, right there!
[The siren starts up, waking Mitchell.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Aw, just five more minutes.
EXT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[The police car pulls into Deaney's drive. There's a car belonging to a private security firm already outside.]
Tom: Mitchell honey, we're home, put your shoes on.
Cop: Well, private enterprise beat us to it, eh?
Joel [rentacop]: Hello, public sector!
Cop: Where's the body?
Rentacop: In the den.
Tom [rentacop]: We posed him.
Rentacop: Do you want us to hang around here?
Cop: No, that's okay.
Rentacop: We'll take off then. It's all yours.
Crow [cop]: Ah, rentacops, private enterprise, why don't you go back to the mall?
Cop: You coming, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Urp, yep.
Tom [Mitchell]: You got any moist towelettes? Rags, toilet paper, something?
Crow: Come on, Mr two-years-from-'Eischeid', come on.
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Deaney: I'm Walter Deaney, officer. Come this way. I found one of those wetbacks-
All: Hey!
Deaney: -he pulled a gun from my gun rack, fortunately I got to another gun sooner.
Joel [cop]: Ooh, smart.
Deaney: He grabbed that Colt. I had no choice, I had to shoot him.
Crow [cop]: Well, you're rich and white, I don't see a problem with it.
[Mitchell watches from the door while everyone stands around Mathis' body, which has a gun by it.]
Cop: A pretty clean job.
Joel [Deaney]: C'mon, it's fun!
Tom [Mitchell]: You got a sofa ah could stretch out on for a little while?
[Mitchell ambles over.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Oh, *there's* the body.
Joel [Mitchell]: Hey, here, watch what happens when ah step on his abdomen.
[Crow makes a 'squish' noise.]
[Mitchell takes a small plastic bag from his pocket.]
Tom: I think he's going to need a bigger bodybag than *that*.
[Mitchell puts Mathis' gun in the bag.]
Mitchell: Are those guns loaded?
Deaney: Some of them. I'm not always sure which.
Crow [Deaney]: They're randomly loaded, it's a little game I play.
Tom [Mitchell]: All your guests loaded?
[Mitchell sees the other man and the hookers leaving.]
Mitchell: Your guests are leaving.
Deaney: Party's over.
Tom [sings]: It's time to call it a day...
Mitchell: Anybody tell them they could leave?
Deaney: I did.
Mitchell: There's a police investigation going on here.
Joel [Deaney]: Oh, there is? I thought there was just a big slob walking around my house.
[Mitchell walks to the control box, carrying the gun in a bag.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Where's the john? Ah'm gonna flush this.
Deaney: My guest has to be at his desk at eight in the morning, he's an important person. My secretary will give you their names and addresses.
Tom: And disavow any knowledge of their actions.
[Mitchell pushes the button to close the front gates.]
Joel: Man, he's good.
[Mitchell jogs past the arriving coroner.]
Tom: Mitchell! Pardon me. Mitchell!
[Crow makes wheezing sounds.]
[Mitchell reaches the limo, which is stuck at the gates.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Hey, can ah have a scotch?
Hooker 1: What's your name?
Mitchell: Mitchell!
Tom [goofy]: Hiii!
Mitchell: What's yours?
INT. DEANEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
[Deaney's on the phone.]
Deaney: Well find him, wherever he is! Raise Alex, will you?
Joel: Oh, he's talking to Commissioner Gordon.
Deaney: And get hold of Mistretta. Tell him to talk to Galano.
[The coroner puts a tape outline around Mathis' body as cops watch.]
Tom [coroner]: Okay, sleeve right 34, 36 outseam and a 32 inch inseam.
Crow: Orson Bean. He's a cop!
[Deaney enters. Mitchell is checking the guns in the cabinet.]
Tom [Deaney]: I told Mistretta to talk to Galano. I think.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Pallin: Mitchell!
Joel [Mitchell, scared]: Wha!
Pallin: People don't like you. In fact, I don't care for you myself. Why is that?
Crow [Mitchell]: Perhaps our brief but bitter affair?
Pallin: You refused to sign this report. Why?
Joel [Mitchell]: Uh, ah'm still on the first question.
Pallin: What kind of policeman are you, anyway?
Joel [Mitchell]: Uuhhhh...
Pallin: What're you going to do, file a separate report?
Joel [Mitchell]: Duhhhh...
Mitchell: Ah don't know.
Pallin: What do you know?
Tom [Mitchell]: Uh, ah don't know.
Mitchell: None of Deaney's other guns were loaded. Now, the collection's way up high on the wall. The burglar, he only looks to be about five four, is all.
Pallin: So? What does that prove?
Mitchell: That Deaney's lying. He's not going to get away with it.
Crow [Pallin]: Don't make me come over there!
[Pallin stands up and waves a finger in Mitchell's face.]
Pallin: You're going to make me mad, Mitchell, and when that happens I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Now get out!
Mitchell: All right.
[Mitchell leaves.]
Joel: Mitchell's a *sensible* cop!
Pallin: See Lovitz. He's got an assignment for you. And remember, don't you dare go near Deaney. You can forget about him.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
[A short man in sunglasses is being brought to the front desk by a cop.]
Tom: They arrested Harlan Ellison!
Joel: Good.
[Mitchell enters Lovitz's office.]
Lovitz: Come in, Mitchell, take a seat.
Crow [Lovitz]: Mom said no, huh? So you come to me, the nice cop.
[Mitchell sits down with a loud gasp.]
Joel: Why, he sounds and smells like William Conrad!
Lovitz: Chief Powell has ordered the surveillance of a man called James Arthur Cummins.
Mitchell: James Arthur Cummins.
Lovitz: Yeah, you heard of him?
Mitchell: No.
Lovitz: It's a 24-hour surveillance, and I want you to stay with him until A, you bug him enough that he cracks, or B, he comes up with some kind of statement or incriminates himself for committing a crime in Mexico.
Crow: Or C, you get drunk and pass out again!
Mitchell: Okay, who do ah get?
Lovitz: You get nobody.
Mitchell: Hmm?
Lovitz: No-body.
Mitchell: What do ah do for sleeping? How about eating?
Lovitz: Nothing's going to happen in the middle of the night.
Crow [Mitchell]: Aw, ah wanna eat!
Lovitz: You got six hours shuteye from midnight to six AM.
Crow [Mitchell]: But eating!
Lovitz: Now Mitchell, those are Powell's orders. You want to call him? See Tyzack, he'll take you to Cummin's place.
EXT. CUMMINS' PLACE - DAY
Tyzack: Import export of stolen merchandise, that is Cummins' big scene. He just hijacked a kilo of heroin out of Mexico. A full kilo, that's two million bucks. It may be Pallin's idea of a joke, but leaning on Cummins is no joke my friend, no-one leans on Cummins 'cause he stamps on people, and he's got a big shoe.
Mitchell: Let me ask you something.
Tom [Mitchell]: Who are you?
Mitchell: If Pallin gave *you* this job leaning on Cummins, would you say he's given you a good assignment?
[Tyzack has a thumb to his mouth. Joel brushes it away.]
Joel: Oh, don't suck, honey.
Tyzack: I'd say he was quietly shipping you out of the way.
Mitchell: Well ah'll get 'em both, Deaney *and* Cummins.
Tyzack: No way. You don't get neither.
Mitchell: That's what Pallin thinks, right?
Tyzack: Right.
Mitchell: Wrong.
[Mitchell wheezes loudly and starts to get out of Tyzack's car. He heads for his own, which is parked about two feet away.]
Crow [Mitchell]: 'Scuse me, ah don't feel good at all, ugh.
Joel [Mitchell]: Hey man, thanks for driving me to my car, nice to have it pre-parked at the stakeout, see ya.
Tom [sings]: Woh, don't be discouraged, the man don't...
[Mitchell adjusts himself.]
Crow: Woah, don't do that! Ew.
[A big car pulls up at Cummins' house. Mitchell gets out of his car.]
Joel: Mitchell!
[Benton, wearing a silly hat, gets out of the driver's seat.]
Joel: Andy Capp?
Tom [working class]: Boy, Flo's gonna be really mad, I'm drunk again, heh.
[Mitchell jogs up the drive.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Ugh... huh... gasp...
Mitchell: Mr Cummins!
Crow [Mitchell]: Stop or mah heart'll explode!
Mitchell: Mr Cummins! Mitchell, police department?
Cummins: Permit's not due 'til January, son.
Mitchell: Uh, Mr Cummins...
Cummins: Make an appointment, son, or have your chief give me a ring.
Mitchell: Mr Cummins!
[Benton waves a threatening finger.]
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Tom [Mitchell]: But ah'm not a salesman, I'm the chubby blue line!
Crow: As an actor, Merlin Olsen hadn't found his instrument yet.
[Mitchell goes back to his car.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Hughh... wheeze... gaaghhh... huhhh...
[Mitchell tries to light a cigar, but the lighter puts out a big flame, making Mitchell recoil 'hilariously'.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Woah, the thing with the dealo...
[Later, Mitchell takes out his car's ashtray to empty it. Benton watches from the house.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Woah, ah think there's a potato cake in here or somethin'.
Tom [Benton]: He seems down. I'll send him a pick-me-up bouquet.
[Mitchell tips the cigar stubs onto the street.]
Crow: Somewhere, an indian is crying.
[Benton looks concerned.]
Joel [Benton]: I'm going to call Ladybird Johnson.
EXT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - DAY
[A dashboard clock shows it's 4:10PM. Cummins comes over to Mitchell's car. Our hero is snoozing at the wheel and wakes with a start.]
[Crow makes snoring noises.]
Tom [Mitchell]: Fluff and udder! Oh.
Cummins: All right, what do you want?
Mitchell: Well, ah got some questions.
Cummins: No questions.
Mitchell: What do you know about a man named Mistretta, and some heroin hijacked down in Mexico?
Cummins: Heroin?
Mitchell: Down in Mexico, about a kilo on a truck, ambushed, hijacked, you know.
Cummins: Look, Mitchell-
Crow [Cummins]: I'm King Hussein.
Cummins: Look, Mitchell, this is Los Angeles, California, and I don't know anything about heroin. Somebody got his wires crossed.
Joel [Mitchell]: We're not in New York?
Mitchell: Well, ah been told to watch you, Mr Cummins, so ah guess that's what ah'm gonna do.
Cummins: Can I give you some advice, son?
Mitchell: Why, yes, sir.
Cummins: Watch out for falling rocks.
Tom [Mitchell]: Uh, okay. Say, you got any burgers or someth'n in there?
[Cummins walks away.]
Joel [Mitchell]: Man, ah'm constantly confused.
Tom [Mitchell]: Watch out for fallin' rocks, huh? Uh...
INT. MITCHELL'S CAR - NIGHT
[Closeup of the clock showing midnight.]
Radio announcer: And that was the midnight edition of the news, on KCRO.
Crow: Hey, Crow Radio!
[Shot of Cummins' house.]
Joel: G'night, John Boy.
[Mitchell looks bemused, and starts his car.]
Crow [Mitchell]: Falling rocks? Ah just don't get it.
[Mitchell drives away.]
Joel: Lights... your lights!
[Whip pan to Cummins watching him leave.]
Tom [Cummins]: I miss him.
Joel [Cummins]: Wow, almost time for 'Silk Stalkings'.
[Cummins makes a phone call.]
Crow [Cummins]: Hi, Larry, I love your show.
Cummins: Cummins. Get me Mistretta.
[Tom makes muffled phone voice noises.]
Cummins: Mistretta, what's this about a load of merchandise I'm supposed to be shipping in?
[Tom's noises suggest puzzlement.]
Cummins: I got a cop sitting on me, they tell this and I don't know it!
[Tom's phone voice gets irate.]
Cummins: You what?
Crow [Cummins]: You're wearing what? Is it sheer?
Cummins: Get over here and don't argue with me!
EXT. CUMMINS' HOUSE - NIGHT
[A car arrives.]
Joel: Not *that* quickly!
[Cummins gets into the car with Mistretta, who picks his nose.]
Joel: Ooh, nose candy.
Tom: Uh-huh.
Cummins: Drive round the block.
Joel [Mistretta, annoyed]: *Hi*, dad.
[They drive off.]
Crow [Mistretta]: Loved you in 'The Taking Of Pelham 123'.
Joel [Mistretta]: Hey, you want the radio? King Biscuit Flower Hour's on.
Mistretta: What's bugging you?
Cummins: This new job. For the future, next time you start something you tell me before you start it, not afterwards. Put the shipment someplace else, I've got this cop on my tail.
Tom [Mistretta]: It's just that Mitchell guy.
Mistretta: It's on the water, Cummins.
Cummins: What's on the water?
Crow: Smoke!
Mistretta: The merchandise.
Cummins: It's not coming through my facilities.
Mistretta: It can't go nowhere else.
Cummins: Why not?
Mistretta: Why not? Because that's the way Mr Galano wants it.
Joel [sings]: Ah-hah, ah-hah.
Mistretta: He says maybe it's in San Pedro now, or tomorrow. It's too late now.
[Cummins glances out of the car window.]
Tom [Cummins]: Hey, look, an Applebee's!
Cummins: Well, if it comes through San Pedro, I'm not gonna touch it. You hear that? I will not touch it.
Crow [Mistretta]: Ha ha- oh.
Mistretta: Cummins, you are not in a position to say such things.
Joel: You can't handle the truth!
Mistretta: Before you open your big mouth again, you'd better think of Mr Galano.
[The car returns to Cummins' house.]
Tom [Cummins]: Oh no, this may be the wrong ride. Are you Steve?
[They get up and leave.]
(continue to part 2)
